invisibly yours.

to ponder what you are and who you will become is a common thread in your cloak.
trusting only in what i see with my limited understanding and perception,
my strenuous course of digging seems to remain defiant.
hitting dead end again, i slave in an aimless attempt at discovering depth.
do you even know?
the invisible self is only visible to himself,
but what good is he to those who want to see life?
you hover around haunting those who do not ask.
when was your presence ever requested?
hearing and not seeing is a treacherous divide.
show yourself.
come from those shadows.
leave your opaque seclusion and be defined in colors vibrant and bold.
you fear losing your looming effect and shedding the mystery of your secrets-
those so tightly locked up, pushed far back in that dungeon of darkness.
have you hidden them so far away that not even you, the very owner of such treasured insight,
has the navigation to its clarity?
it is i that fear your very presence.
never seeing, only hearing.
that voice....
somehow its eeriness intrigues my soul.
leading me towards you?
or away?
the closer i come to finding this alluring tone, the more deceived i am
only to be mislead again to a false sense of reality.
unveil yourself for the world to see.
if not for them, at least for me.
we mustn't fear each other any longer.

a midnight whisper to my father

My prayer is that in my life Your will would be done. Your perfect plan for my life would come to pass. Let my eyes be a light to others. Shine brightly through my life, and teach me to be more like You. When I whisper Your name, Jesus, come and be the God of my life. Let me do great things for your Kingdom. I want to make you so proud. I long to help others see how wonderful You truly are, but I can't do it until I see more of it. Keep showing me your beauty, your glory, your greatness. I yearn to see miracles. Real, crazy things we don't see every day. Prepare me, my heart, my mind, Father. It desires only You.

put your head through the clouds and find light.

written 05.06.2008

I think sometimes when you are receiving the most clarity from God it can instantly be squandered by a stupid decision. Funny how when we are living/striving to follow the will of God how one mistake can completely distort your train of thought. I'm not trying to cheapen grace or Christ's sacrifice for our forgiveness, but I know that although forgiveness of sin exists, it doesn't take away the cloud of confusion that is left lurking over you.

When clarity is what we seek, why do we attempt to find it in such flawed form? Answers in man can only lead to more darkened understanding, and yet we still lean towards it. Things can be great and within a blink of an eye, the answer yes, and the stupidity not to stand on your salvation and grounding, it can all become quickly tainted. We must long to give all of ourselves to Christ, all of our hearts and minds. We must embrace everything that pleases the Father. Despising the acts of the flesh, which are not of the spirit.

grab hold of Him and breathe deeply.

There are times where we will fear the very will of God. Times when our hesitancy smothers the very breath that gasps to breathe for the Father. It is in those moments of fear where our love for Christ must surpass the love of self.

To know His purpose and to allow ourselves to be overcome by the shallow emotion of self-doubt towards our destiny (and, in turn, permitting our selfishness for our own pleasure to drive us away from the very will of God for our lives) can only be a result of our weakened spirit being steered by the powers of darkness.

Our passion- stemming from a transformed heart that earnestly desires good and not evil- is strong enough to conquer the insecurities attempting to sway our envisioned dreams.

We must learn to dig deep within our hearts and find the love which is living and breathing for Christ, so that our spirit can make wise decisions, leading us to our purpose and suppressing the fear that strives to choke us of our destiny.

the ambiguity of love in its distorted state.

My heart is breaking. I can't sleep. I can't think clearly. I'm kept awake by the thought of children suffering around the world for whatever reason: hunger, sickness, prostitution, depression, forced military soldiers.

I'm reading about sex trafficking in Southeast Asia, where hundreds of thousands of little girls are being emotionally and physically scarred, bruised, battered and broken just so that people can make a buck. With tears in my eyes, my heart goes out for them. I wonder why I can't fix it. Why can't God just send me now? I want to help them. I want to rescue them. Save them from this torment.

I want to take the pain away. I want to bear it for them. I want to do something, anything so that they can see the love Christ has for them. I need the words to speak to these children who are broken. How do you reach someone who has only known man to be a self-righteous businessman that puts a dollar amount on a human life? What trust is left in them to believe that a man named Christ, whom they have never known, can show them what true love is. Have they even experienced love before?

The enemy comes against the act of love at any cost because it is so threatening. He keeps us from loving our neighbor because they've wronged us. He prevents us from loving our parents because they didn't raise us properly. He attacks children in such a way so that they can never even define love by man because they've only known him to be evil, and in turn distorts the ability for these children to comprehend and embrace the unconditional love of God.

Angry. I am angry at the enemy. I hate what he is doing to the innocent. To those that are hopeless, helpless and hurting. Help me pray that God would take my passion and desire to help these people and empower me to fully express the love of Jesus to it's fullest when I encounter a situation where love is lost.

written 06.10.2008

He had it. I want it.

As I was reading about Paul in Colossians today, something hit me like never before. Paul was the man. I mean, seriously, he was the freaking bomb. Make fun of my saying that all you want, but this guy got something right. A man who once murdered Christians and then became transformed because of a face to face experience with God the Father himself. He then took on the burden of the Father to preach the gospel. Rather than instantly being thrust into a profitable ministry, Paul endured a painful life of persecution.

The part that blows my mind is that he never once questioned God. He said that he would rather be sitting in the jail cell than for those he was writing to. What a selfless human being. Somehow, some way, the man was so drastically changed that he longed to endure more suffering so that he could spread the gospel even more. So positive. So right.

I wanna be just like him so I can make Jesus proud.... Taking joy in situations that just suck. Without Paul, we may not have a hope for endurance. Because of his heart for God, he never gave up. He never let go. How though? How could someone who hated Christianity become so grounded in what he knew? Something phenomenal happened in his life. Something I want. I don't know how it happened, how he got it, or how long it took, but I know I want it.

I want the endless joy in a life destined for failure. I need promised hope for the future in current broken situations. I want the faith to press forward while I sit on the cold floor of a jail cell hungry, cold and lonely. I want to see the mystery of God so that I can have wisdom and know the treasures in Heaven.

written 04.16.2008

move in the right direction

With graduation right around the corner, I realize that it's a time for new beginnings. A time to be refreshed. To move on to another part of my life. What I have begun to realize lately is that we fear to move forward into new beginnings. We fear the unknown, and we are terrified to let go of something without knowing what is ahead.

Both Christians and non-Christians are control freaks. We demand to have a hand in whatever it is we're doing, and if we don't, then we give up on it or we lose interest in it because it becomes out of our control. Selfish is what I call that.

God has been absolutely rocking my world with this idea of giving my life over to Him fully. He wants to have total control of my future, and it isn't scary to Him because He knows what is ahead. That's so unfair for Him to know without my own knowledge. But why are we so reluctant to give things over to His control? Why is it that we can't trust Him enough to do what's best for us?

In my life, I know there were certain things I was holding on to for a very long time, but after deep prayer and fasting, God revealed something so great to me. I had to let go of a part of my life that I thought was a good thing. That I thought to be destiny. It was only selfish desires and my flesh cravings.

Giving it up was my release from bondage I had been waiting for. It was the one thing that had held me down for so long. I just had to give it over to Him in order for Him to renew me and give me a new beginning. What a refreshing feeling. As scary as I thought it would be to face the unknown and let go of my own personal will and what I thought was "right" for my life, I am more excited now about God's plans because I know He has promised me great things better than what I could ever conceive in my own mind.

It's a relief to feel release in your life. The scariest thing in the whole world is to relinquish control of our future into someone else's hands. However, it could be the most propelling factor in our spiritual walk and a pivotal moment for our destiny. I encourage anyone who "thinks" they know where they are going to re-evaluate your life. Make sure your flesh isn't speaking louder than your spirit. Our heart is vain and deceiving. Listen to your spirit and let God lead you to new beginnings.

written 03.30.2008