simple brilliance

Today, I may have thought about my future more than any other day. It's funny because when family comes in town, they want to know everything. "So what's next?" "Where are you living?" "When are you going to get married?" (really? I mean, c'mon I'm not even dating anyone!!!) ........... ............ ........... of course, I have answers, but they're not always the answers I want to give nor are they always the answers they want to hear.

Maybe the best thing I heard all day was "Following in your Granddaddy's footsteps, eh?" I'm not sure if I can even say that I am even hundreds of thousands of light years from where his footsteps are. I'm just taking my first baby steps into this new part of my life! It's a great compliment, I suppose, but in reality I'm not sure whose footsteps I'm following right now.

People expect so many concrete answers the second that you step out of college. I got a little overwhelmed, stepped away from the family and just sat in the sunroom by myself thinking of where in the world my life was going. Should I have answers? I hadn't been fearful at all... until now. I was so certain before and now, here I was staring out into the backyard while the overcast sky hovers over my head, wondering if maybe I should just accept a job in Atlanta doing whatever I can just so I can appear to be happily responsible and "grown-up." But no... I don't want to make a buck. I want to do what thrills my heart and help people, and more importantly I just want to trust God. I have so far, so why quit now?

I can't let a million questions from my closest family members turn the wheels in my head too fast. My Grandaddy asks me, "Do you think you can handle it?" (in regards to me living with them)... and I said "do you think YOU can handle it?" He chuckles, and says "We'll be fine." I say hesitantly, "I'm just wondering what I'm going to do after all my traveling. Where am I going to go?" And he speaks simple brilliance of course, "Don't worry about it. Just let God figure it out for you." This, coming from the man that I am supposedly following behind... But I realize those words have come straight from my own mouth. Only, they are doubted when I say them because I have no experience backing them. One day God will prove my words true.

So maybe I am a little like him. I see such a mixture of myself in my dad's mischief, my mom's kindness, my grandmother's go-getter attitude, but most importantly I see me in my Grandaddy's heart.

I may not know who or IF I'm going to marry. Where I'm going to live. What kind of job I'll have. Or if I'll live til tomorrow.... But worrying won't make it better or less complicated. It won't give me answers and won't give me peace. So, my resolution is clear as day, and when I am probed with questions of my future, I"ll give them one answer:
"I'm not worried about it and I'm letting God figure it out for me." :)

a love storm.

My heart pounds in my chest and a smile bubbles up from deep inside.
i feel as if I could very well be in love with someone I've never met.
A child. An orphan. A widow.

Desperation. Resentment. Hurt.
Hope. Desire. Chance.
they are the words I see when looking at pictures of the eyes of children that need love.
need Jesus.
they need someone to teach them that Jesus is real.
so that means i need to be a Jesus with skin on.
to be worthy of such a calling... it is not possible.

I am itching to go now.
to help, to serve, to share, to embrace the hearts of the broken and poor.
i want my feet to be calloused from walking miles to rescue a daughter from slavery.
they are callouses of Christ.
rough edges to remind me of my pursuit to save the lost.

Do I have enough love to share with them all?
love is giving and not getting.
it transcends all.
there is no language for it,
hundreds of definitions exist for the word,
but it is spoken without a sound.

Oh, God. swallow me whole.
if I am in you, I am immersed in an everlasting, never-ending pool of love.
if I have yours, can I ever run out?
it is a resource that everyone needs, but the vain reject.

Make me a cloud of love.
raining,
never running dry.
carrying over thousands at a time,
showering them with refreshment.
use me to flood dry land that has been desperately withered by the drought.

For all who come

Lips of angels open wide to sing of You, the Great One
Nations gather to see the radiance of your beauty
We lift our gaze to the sacrifice on the cross and say

It was your grace that gave me life
Your blood was shed as my price
Salvation as a purchased freedom
Paid by my Savior for all who come

Freedom flowed out over every hand
Reaching to touch the hem of your garment
Once held in bondage we are no more
Our chains were broken by the love you showed

It was your grace that gave me life
Your blood was shed as my price
Salvation as a purchased freedom
Paid by my Savior for all who come

I'll take seconds, please.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." -Mother Teresa

After sifting through loads of quotes made by this incredibly awe-inspiring woman, I sat here and laughed at this statement. When she made it, I have no idea if she ever intended this to be humorous, however, it struck me funny when I read it because it applied to my current situation.

I've been learning so much lately... Experiencing a lot of spiritual oppression. It's not stress, because I don't believe in it. :) I always said, "stress is just another way of saying you have poor time management." I still think it to be true, but oh how we confuse the two: spiritual oppression and stress. We don't want to overspiritualize situations in our lives, but it's not always overspiritualization, it's merely just a spiritually antagonistic reality.

In church this morning, the pastor said, "If you are following a God-given vision, you will inevitably face opposition." "Heck yes you will," I thought to myself. Upon that, I was thinking of everything that has possibly gone wrong lately or at least caused some sort of worry. The people that have spoken ill of what I am doing or even not believed that my heart was right. Comparing myself to Nehemiah's opposition he faced when rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, I felt pretty encouraged. He prayed for strength. "Strengthen my hands, God."

All I want is for God to strengthen my mind. Strengthen my will to push forward in the face of lies. Strengthen my faith to believe in myself and my calling. I can't allow the situations of today to define how tomorrow will be, because tomorrow will worry about itself.

For some reason, if we get down, we lose our faith in everything around us and the enemy wins. We lose our joy. We lose our will to live life to the best. I know that the devil hates my laughter. Hates my joy. He tries to crush it by the people who hate it most. I referred to it once as my "eternal optimism." It was a despised statement, but I'd like to think that the schemes of the devil are being crushed by my smiles through trials.

I'm learning to let God take care of me. I'm not sinking into laziness or anything, but in the things I cannot control or provide for myself, I'm praying that God would take care of it. It's difficult to do. Especially when you have been provisionally helped by human hands for as long as you can remember. But he is a faithful God, and a Father. He wouldn't give me a stone if I asked for bread.

So I laugh. I smile at my situation and say, "Why, God? Why do you trust me so much?"

I sit back and wait for him to laugh back and say, "Daughter, you are far stronger than you know. I just want you to believe."

...and I think to myself...." if he trusts me enough to give me more to bear, then I'll take seconds, please."

i want the words to say it right.

Today I sat with a friend, struggling to find a way to perfectly articulate just what I wanted to say. It was a battle to sit and listen to a detailed description of a trying situation, know the solution and then come up with the most convincing way to help them carry it out. Some decisions require a bold commitment. You must firmly walk to the right or to the left. There's no turning back. We may hurt. We may not understand what seems to be repercussions. We could allow ourselves to be arrested by blame based upon our decisions. Regardless of whatever sort of conclusions may draw from the direction we take, I believe that if it's a godly decision being led by the holy spirit, it's right.

It's incredibly difficult for me as an outsider to watch someone get beat up emotionally and spiritually when it would just take a second for them to get up and walk away from the lashings. Why in the world do we allow ourselves to be crucified by the world? The scripture in Galatians that says "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Gal. 2:20) takes on a brand new meaning to me. Bear with me as I describe...

It's a significant commitment to be crucified with Christ. We will be mocked. Spit at. Scoffed at. At times I'm sure we feel the cat of nine tails grinding into our backbone, shredding our flesh and pouring out life. In thinking about this though, I would rather be crucified with Christ, knowing He lives in me and be persecuted for it than to be crucified by the world and experience excruciating pain that will not gain anything more than another gash.

I understand the hurt experienced in removing an empty, yet fulfilling piece of your life in order that Christ's spirit may live. It's like taking a bullet out of the wound and allowing it to heal. You must first have the strength to endure the pain that you will knowingly face when digging it out of the hole in your flesh. Once out, you must have the patience to allow the wound to heal. It's deep, so we want it to heal fast, but it doesn't....and the hurt experienced during the healing process is just part of the experience. In the end when it's all said and done, we look down and see that scar. Behind every scar is a story, and it's with that story that we encourage others. Better than that, we can glorify God in it remembering His faithfulness to us, in teaching us to grow.

I haven't mastered this idea of a daily crucifixion with Christ, but who has? I know that I understand it, but more importantly I just want to be able to encourage others to do it. I'm mostly concerned with them removing the bullets out of their lives so that Christ can begin the healing process and bring them to their full potential.

However eloquent or rash the words I use must be, I hope they're carried by the Holy Spirit so that it can pierce the hearts of many and begin that long, wonderful road of a crucified commitment to Christ.

steady, child.... take my hand.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." Psalm 37:23

My desire is to please your heart
to make you feel the warmth of my deep love for you
take my hand.
never let it go.
hold tight and steady my footing.

I balance my way across life's tightrope string.
It bends.
It sways.
It sinks.
It breaks.
But your hand upholds me.
Your strength prevails.
For you know my every intention, and you promised that the ways of the righteous would be ordered.

You said you would keep my head above the water, never to let me drown.
It bobs up and down and I taste the saltiness of the sea.
My legs tire out from treading the waves of suffering.
I see my will to hold on drifting towards the deep.
Just as I begin to immerse myself into the mouth of the earth...
I am rescued.
Pulled up.
Dry.

The winds of the heavens rush through my hair as if it were the very breath of God.
Words "I love you" blow past me in a gust of air that wraps itself around my frail form.
They are the words any woman waits to hear from the man who takes her hand forever.
Forever.
I feel cradled by these words and I know they are Forever.
This love is lasting.
Unfailing.

We dance.
I don't remember learning the steps.
It was as if we had done it a thousand times before.
You take my face,
tilt my chin up towards the sky,
and sweetly whisper these words...
"as long as you're mine, I'll never let you fall."

I believe....because you have never failed me before.

7.9.2008- a reminesce of the fire.

More than ever before I am done with my past. I have let go of it and completely committed my life to Christ. I am focusing on chasing after what lies ahead, just like Paul encouraged us to do. Funny how just when things get going for you and you begin to feel so confident about things, a little something from your past seems to pop up. It's a challenge. It helps you grow. Stretches you. Refines you through the FIRE. It burns. It aches. It polishes. I am left shining as new.

I thank God for His Healing.
Restoration.
Confidence.
Liberation.
Freedom.
Significance.

Without these things I would be nothing. I wouldn't have the strength to push through my past and reach out for the future. Stretching for it, I'm grabbing hold of the promises He has given me and holding fast to the truth of it all that I am not who I used to be, but that I exist as a new creation. The new wineskin is fashioned to contain the new wine. The old will cause it to burst... to be ruined.

The oppression of the past will not define me. The hurt that tries to lurk its way back into my life will not swallow my joy.

Thank you God for the work that you have been doing in my life. For knowing me better than I know myself and giving me just exactly what compliments my passions and vision. Thank you for answering prayers, for hearing my voice, for providing and directing.

Let me shadow your silhouette, being in step with every footprint you plant whether it be through mud, sand, dirt or grass. It is my desire to be mistaken as You.

He says that I am because I am and He defines me.

I have been thinking lately of the possibility that our biggest insecurities could be a result of the enemy's way of distracting us from what could exist as our most violent threat against the Kingdom. Don't be confused. What I'm saying is that when we address each individual flaw or insecurity that we may have, most of the time it is just a dumb issue of self-perception rather than an issue that Christ is concerned about changing within our hearts. We have tendencies to put our focus on certain aspects of our lives that we cannot even attempt to change, but God can.

For example, I might suggest that I fear how people perceive me. However, in theory, this fear, which is first of all not in the nature of God, could possibly be stemming from a lie planted by the Devil. I'm sure he wants to entice us into believing that our biggest flaws will prevent us from achieving our life-long dreams and goals just so we can be steered away from our focal point, which is Jesus. The reality of it is that we can't change the way that people perceive us. If we focus so much on not being something for the sheer purpose of convincing others, then we are probably faking it in the long run. There is no genuine change, no heart transformation, no significant inner conversion. Without it, we are really fooling ourselves into believing we are who we say we are. But what we're saying really isn't what we are.

Now, when I said earlier that it could be his way of distracting us from even the most violent threat against Christ, I mean that Satan loves to lure us away from anything that could draw us nearer to the heart of God. Our pride, for instance. We may not realize that it presently resides within our spirit because we are too caught up in star-gazing at our insecurities and entertaining them with the "how can i fix myself" and "what can I do to make myself look /be better?" questions. The idea is to distract. Take away from our vision of the Father and be consumed with the love of self and outer perceptions.

Our focus should not be on who we are, what we can fix, or how we can make people like us better. We get so caught up in the aesthetics of Christianity that we begin striving to make people believe we love Jesus rather than actually embracing His heart. The biggest mistake we could ever make is to look at Christianity with a Pharisaic perception. It's not about what we can do or how we/others perceive ourselves/us to be, but its more about taking on the mind of Christ. I've really learned that you have to first get to know WHO He is before you can begin to become like Him. How can we imitate someone who we don't know? In finding who He is and desiring to emulate just that, a change begins to take place in our spirit, rooting out every bad seed of our lives and revealing the deeper sicknesses that could be infecting our spiritual walk.

Once we have found Christ and allowed Him to presently take the reins of our lives, we become consumed by Him. I honestly believe in finding our Creator, we find who we were created to be- the human God designed, desires and destined. We no longer thrive off others or submit to man's opinion. The bad in our lives is extracted bit by bit by the person who knows what truly belongs in our lives and what doesn't. We naturally become Christlike. Beautiful. Desired. Loved. Humbled. Healed. Cherished.

Don't allow insecurity of your self-perception to take over in your life. Take hold of who Christ is and find yourself in Him, understanding who he has created you to be. Let Jesus, not the world, unveil those issues that exist in your life that need to be ailed. My guess is that it probably won't start out with how you appear to others. He will most likely show you the things that need to be fixed first that He sees as most prevalent. God is really good at humbling us. I feel like I get humbled (and humiliated) almost every day. It hurts. I mess up, but I realize that in those moments of my wrongness He has taught me how to become more like Him. I truly believe that the second our concern veers more towards caring about how our Father perceives us and pleasing Him, that it is then the world begins to perceive us for the better.