Change Blog Location

Hey y'all. Good news/bad news. which do you want first?

Bad news: You have to change your blogroll to my new domain.

Good news: Wordpress layout is WAY better, and I suggest you get one if you're currently using blogger.com

So, all my posts have been transferred over and I'm starting to blog at this site:

www.kpace.wordpress.com

Thanks for understanding.

much love,

-k

body aches

Romans 12:3-5, "Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other."

I was thinking about how often we don't commend/praise each other. As Christians, a characteristic that identifies our nature should be an uplifting spirit. We should speak kind words that restore and encourage the body. It's funny... we seem to beat up the body more than we build it up.

Oftentimes, I've found that our jealousy gets the best of us, and causes us to criticize others. Somehow, we justify our actions by calling it constructive or because we are so arrogant to think that we have a right to judge based on our qualifications and abilities.

How can we look at our body and say "Yo leg, you're so ugly. you have scars. you're bruised. you're useless.Yo momma's so fat...." But if our leg was completely severed from the rest of our body, we'd realize just how much we needed it to function to our fullest. It enhances our mobility, our strength, our speed, our balance, and our confidence.

We are self-mutilating the body of Christ. I may sing, but it may not be the ability I excel in the most. My friend, on the other hand, may have a beautiful singing voice, much better than my own. What naturally happens? My flesh turns green with envy and wants to scrutinize her for anything and everything because she has what I want. That, my friends, is coveting. And from the seed of coveting, jealousy grows and then flowers buds of violent, hurting words that slowly kill the body.

Our words can speak life or death. I have recently come to realize that I can't be the best at everything. I've always been the person that can be mediocre at everything. I can pick up sports easily, have decent artistic talent, I comprehend concepts well, but I always wanted to be great at it all. Well, the fact of the matter is, I can't. Dangit.

God backhanded me this morning as I was getting ready and reminded me of this scripture, Romans 12:3-5, which is why I've written this. We can't all be an arm if we're a foot. No matter how much I try to dress myself up as an arm, at the end of the day, I'm a foot and I have to accept it and commend the arm for what she does best. (yes, I said SHE).

Lets figure out what part we were created to be and start taking the initiative to encourage and strengthen other parts of the body rather than wish that we were them. I know it will yield good results. Take the scales of condemnation off of your eyes and start viewing others for the importance that they are to you. Because, although we are many parts of one body, we all belong to each other.

Soles 4 Souls

"over 300 million people around the world don’t have shoes and are forced to walk around unsafe and in potentially life-threatening conditions."

What? So today is the official launch of 50000shoes.com. There is a mass blog campaign trying to get the word out about Soles 4 Souls, and this is it.

Who? Soles 4 Souls is a charity-based organization based out of Nashville, Tennessee, and the main goal of this Campaign is to get 50,000 pairs of shoes in 50 days, meaning December 31. The shoe distributions happen all over the world ranging from Guatemala all the way to Uganda.

How Can I Help? You go to the website, donate $5, and BAM two pairs of shoes are bought for someone living without them.

If you don't think that it's worth it, I dare you to walk around with your shoes off one day. You'd never make it one day without blisters, bruises, aches and pains. We're so blessed in America that we have what we call "house-shoes" to keep our feet warm.

So lets join together in this wonderful, wonderful expression of love and generosity and give. You may not be able to go, but you can support the efforts of those that do.

with much love,

k

thank you for the beautiful, dead leaves.

John F. Kennedy once said, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."

I was talking to my granddaddy today about gratitude and how it is one of the most unpracticed virtues of today. When I'm at work, if someone says "thank you", and I can tell that they mean it sincerely, it pushes me continue to give everything I have to accomplish the task at my very best. I understand that some people don't care either way if they are thanked or not in the workplace, but I do know that overall, people care if something they have done is appreciated.

Just imagine for a second if leaders graciously thanked each of their workers for what they've done. I'm talking even the toilet-scrubbing janitors at your office or school. If you thanked them, I'm pretty sure they'd start scrubbing with a little more joy. People naturally want to be appreciated, and if we just started to show a little it would not only boost self-confidence but I believe it would honestly develop a love for each other and also put more of a drive behind what we do.

Now, I'm not only talking about the workplace. I'm talking about our relationships also. How much do we compete with each other? How often do we neglect the things most precious to us? I can say "I love Jesus" all day, but if I live without taking time for him, I am speaking empty words, and he may as well be listening to a loop of audio with dead, repetitious "I love yous" on it.

In the last week, I've had more conflict arise between my friends and me, more distance, and more feelings of being unappreciated than ever before. I'm not sure which it's doing... pushing me farther away and closer to Cambodia or making me want to just sulk in the blankets of isolation and abandonment. I'm trying to move past it and not fight it. If it happens, it hurts... a lot... and I generally want to shrivel up and cry in a corner, but I praise God that he cares for me. There is an indescribable love and appreciation from my heavenly father that surpasses any human's ability to show the same. And from all people, it comes from the one whom I should be appreciating more.

I've developed a new gratitude for my Savior. Unfortunately, I forget to thank him for the things he has given me, for our relationship, for his unconditional love and acceptance. I even forget to pray for my food. I want to mean it when I say "thanks for the food, Lord. bless it. and bless this day," rather than just "thanks God," and not acknowledge the weight of the utterance of my words.

So what's the point of all this? Just don't forget to be thankful. We miss out on so much because we're worried about yesterday or tomorrow but we're not living for today. Lets all remember to live out gratitude rather than just speak it. Our words are empty if actions do not follow behind them. I really believe we make words come to life or we put them to death. I definitely don't want the latter. Recognize what you've been given. I'd hate for someone to die and to have regrets of what I didn't do for them. I'd hate to die and have regrets of not being grateful for Christ. Deepen your relationships (spiritually and interpersonally) through gratitude through words AND most importantly actions.

Make Christianity come to life through your gratitude. We are destined to be different, if we look, talk, walk and act like everyone else then disciples seem a little dull to outsiders. Lets give people a reason to take a second look at who we are because of who He has made us to be.

-----

Today, I am thankful for death. Without it, I couldn't enjoy my favorite season: Autumn. Thank you, God, for the beautiful leaves turning from bright shades of green to warm oranges and yellows. Thank you for giving me this same gift every year. I will never be tired of receiving it.

a penny for my thoughts and poems

Scars of past hurt have forced me to succumb to the serenity and solemness of solitude and actually enjoy the pleasantries of its company.

Envisioning that round silver circle of commitment backs me into a corner- gasping for breath and frantically searching for an exit.

I have to get out before I am in too deep, but looking below I realize I can no longer see my toes and the ground is inching its way up towards my ankles.

some how I break away. Not a scratch. Instantaneously I erase the memory and move forward in the direction I believe to be the willful road to destiny....

....Alone.

Is embracing solitude something to feel guilty of?
Has it made me numb to the finger pricks of love?

Somehow fear crept his way into my life and buried himself in a crevice of my heart that is impossible to reach.

He shows his face with the morning sun but when I try to catch him, he disappears, yet I still feel his spirit lingering.

Flailing arms, tongues of fire, hands of healing were once my so-called cure but still, my body remains plagued by this disease of self-doubt, distrust and inner hunger pangs for unfailing love.

I am almost convinced there is no such thing. And no such remedy.

Should I be quarantined for this? Something tells me I have already done such a thing to my very own heart.

Who can satisfy this hunger? Where is the healing that will tend to my needs and extract the bullet that pierced my heart and formed this hole of abandonment?

I cannot find it with mine eyes. My hands cannot contain its existence.

I'm lost. Searching with a map that continues to mislead me in figure eights.

Compass of truth, I must find you.

Until then, I look up to the north- it is the only way I know by heart.

A grey-haired me

A friend of mine sent this to me via text today saying that he felt like he'd be thrown 50 years into into the future watching me dance.

I'll say that I would definitely have to agree with him. Neither menopause or arthritis is gonna keep me from breakin' it down.

I felt that it was worth sharing, so here's the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2OkSmxnHew

Abstract Art

**This is something I found that I had written during my trip to Cambodia. I wrote a lot. Some I will share, some I won't. But this is one that I will. :)**

"There is nothing simple about creation. There are only simple minds that lack the appreciation and ability to acknowledge God manifesting his glory through sunsets and waterfalls."

Why does it take a handshake with poverty to awaken our hearts and minds to the presence of the Father? He paints watercolor sunsets for us each night, yet we rarely choose to sit and watch Him stroke the brush through the sky.

Our minds are set on the things of the world. "Be in the world and not of it," He says. Wasting time, we miss the beauty of a kindred relationship with our Savior and the destiny of our calling God offers so freely each day.

We have replaced Him with idols and empires- empty, hollow dens set out for us as a trap- and we enter them without hesitation. Because of these structures of sin, a numbness is stealthily crafted beneath the surface, essentially causing us to never fully develop a deep intimacy with our Creator. We blindly stunt our spiritual growth through assimilation to our godless culture.

Must we look into the eyes of the broken and dying, desperate and crying in order to break the chains of bondage on our own lives? Our nation gives us a false sense of reality. The truth of the matter is that a majority of the world is currently suffering without knowledge of the hope of Christ.

It is utterly despicable and unacceptable for us, the church, not to teach missional values as the basic principles for Christian living.

Without awareness and action, the church as a body lacks substance and the initiative to spread the gospel as we should. ("Faith without works is dead") The church needs to inspire youth at the elementary stages of spiritual discipleship to proclaim the good news continuously.

Let us leave the monotony of our self-centered lives and turn to the artist of our self-portrait. Lets allow him to orchestrate and teach. If we do, I believe we will begin to bask in the anticipation of the beauty forming on the empty canvas and watch the master paint the Kingdom before our eyes.

In my fallenness, God, give me eyes to see the good in others.

**I know this is long, but it's from my heart of hearts....Just read it**

For everyone that knows me well, you know that I'm not the angry type. It takes a lot to get me fired up. Maybe I'm a little sensitive at times, but I'm a woman, and I'll be happy to admit that it's part of our nature.

Last night, I had a conversation that made me angry. I was literally yelling on the phone. (Mind you, I'm a very happy girl. I don't like being mean at all.) This friend of mine began bringing up some past mistakes I had made (nothing huge, but stupid decisions, nonetheless), and he basically pointed his finger, accusing me of all sorts of things, making me out to be some type of horrible person. For someone trying so hard to follow the will of God, the last thing I want is for you to...

a) bring up my past
b) tell me I'm average and not worthy of my calling.
c) make me feel guilty for something I've already dealt with emotionally

I know that we are all unworthy of our callings. It's a darn good thing that God doesn't choose us based upon our qualifications, intelligence, and record of sins. But really, is it necessary to attack me in a way that is so harsh and demeaning?

Recently, I spoke with a friend who is very misunderstood. We'll call this friend Ezra, just because I don't like using the names John and Tom like everyone else. Ezra has faced quite a bit in his life... every extreme possible, if you want to know the truth. Many people treat Ezra like I was just treated.

The thing most precious to me about Ezra is that I see him like no one else does. Beyond his dirty past, I look at the spirit that dwells inside of him. Although it continues to battle day by day to break through the rock-solid walls of confusion, bitterness, hurt and self-hatred, the spirit of Christ resides within him and I can see it.

I see the good that most don't. I choose to see it.

I know that I cannot please everyone. What I also recognize is that the fallen eyes of man are selfish, and we choose to see others how we want to see them. Even if they are sinless and perfect humans (although I doubt they exist), if we are not looking at others with eyes of love and forgiveness, we are nurturing a sinful habit. We are disabling our ability to love and acting defiantly towards the instruction of God, which is to love one another.

God doesn't love me because of my past. He doesn't love me because of my future. He just loves me. Regardless of what I have or have not done, how others see me, and the opinions of man, God the Father sees the spirit inside of me that is full of desire to be a faithful disciple.

It's easy to criticize the ones closest to you. What's so sad is that we should be encouraging the ones we're closest to, and we're doing the very opposite. There is strength in the body of Christ (strength in numbers) and that hateful devil is just trying to plant bad seed in our lives to stunt our growth.

There's a big part of me that believes that we are crushing the potential of disciples and drowning the passion for our callings by our lack of edification. Ephesians 4:29 says (NLT), "Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."

Take time to appreciate someone close to you today. Realize what wealth lies in godly relationships and encouraging words. Don't confuse accountability with criticism We are responsible for strengthening each other through love so that the power of God can be displayed in its fullness through us as will follow his will for our lives.

God, thank you for loving us through our sins and for your redemptive blood you sacrificed for us that we might become sons and daughters of your Kingdom. I ask that you please open the eyes of our hearts so that we may see the manifestation of your nature in those searching after you and also those that are lost. Demolish our arrogance and false self-perceptions of perfection so that as we grow more in you we are helping each other grow through uplifting communion and love. Amen.

Much love. ~K

My sneakers don't fit like they should

It's probably too late to be writing this post, for I'm likely to make many errors due to my delirious state, nevertheless, I feel like writing so here goes it.

I'm going to be uber transparent with everyone right now. I believe vulnerability is key to building relationships, so I'm choosing tonight to be open. I have been feeling so unprepared and inadequate. I just sat with a friend today over coffee and struggled to fight the tears just to tell him that I was feeling so unprepared for my calling.

I'm so grateful that God has asked me to go to Cambodia for a season, and I am excited about the work for him that will be placed before me. I expect it to stretch me, push me, feed me, inspire me, etc. My biggest concern is my own preparation. I just want to help the Cambodians. To serve them, to show them Jesus and His love, to be the messenger of hope.

I told my friend that I didn't have the words to speak. That I felt that my words held no weight. Everything I say, I mean, but it's as if I just can't say it right. Have you ever said something and then someone else says the exact same thing and they get a totally different reaction, way better than the reaction you received from people? Yeah. Feels pretty crappy, huh? That's how I feel most of the time.

I'm not sharing this for the pity party game. I'm opening myself up to let people know that I'm real. I have these issues right now. My heart just aches for God to put words in my mouth so that I can help other people see Jesus. If it were my words, I would screw things up, but his are eloquent even in their brokenness. They are filled with life. They weigh of freedom. There is a fullness in the words of Father that satisfy the innermost hunger of the soul.

My friend read I Corinthians 1 & 2 to me out of the Message. Starting with verse 17....

"God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what he has done, collecting a following for him. And he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own, lest the powerful action at the center—Christ on the Cross.....

(ch. 2) ....I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else."

This isn't some fancy quote that someone composed one night under a still candle with a feather pen, this is God's truth. Paul was afraid. Just like me. But it was God's power, God's spirit, that empowered him. One of the best parts of this scripture is "your life of faith is a response to God's power."

I have no idea what anybody else is going through right now, but if you can relate, I hope that this scripture uplifts your spirit as it did mine. I'm going to continue preparing, but know that God's power is the root of effective ministry. All we need is faith to believe He will do a good work in and through us.

Thank you, Jesus, for your power. May it humbly fall from our lips and may our tongues utter words that belong to you. Let us not possess recognition at all, but only be seen as the messengers of hope.

In Romans 10, there is a verse that says "How beautiful are the feet of those that preach the gospel." I think I'm trying to get my shoes to fit perfectly, when I should probably be going barefoot.

The secret of living

"We exist in order to enjoy making much of Him....... Christ is glorious so that rich or poor, sick or sound, we might be satisfied in Him." - John Piper

This quote just really spoke to me. So many times we really play the "why me?" game. We're so prideful to believe that as Christians, we deserve some type of elevated life above the unsaved. It's not about us. It's about Him.

Whether or not we have or do not, it's the hope we have in His name and who He is that sustains us. In making much of Him.

I have to remind myself that it is not I who deserves a profit of my salvation, but it is in the sacrifice of atonement that I can celebrate in His glory. That no matter the circumstances of my life, I try to recognize my Father as my real Father and I am grateful.

Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-13 "Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

The secret of living. That...that is beautiful.

Frequency Change

Today I am content. I am freezing like an ice cube upstairs in the office, but I'm content.

As I was sitting here listening to a Francis Chan sermon from last week (check him out at www.cornerstonechurch.com), he was talking about being so enamored by his relationship with Jesus. He wasn't bragging by any means, but just saying how in love he was with God. I started questioning if that was me.

I know recently I have felt closer to God than ever before. I'm not studying my Bible more, I'm not currently reading books on religion (although I probably should), and I'm not going to both the early and late service on Sunday mornings. Heck, I didn't even go this morning. I think it's my mindset. I have really been trying to set my mind on Him in all that I do. In the ways I think. Do my thoughts provide a representation of what He would want me to think on? It's been really hard. I've been convicted about a few things... such as the way I view myself, for instance. We'll leave that blog for another day, though. But, everything is different.

For once in my life, I don't need all the extras to make me happy.

I love my friends. I really really do. I love to give hugs, to smile at people, to show them that I love them. But I don't need them. I really don't want this to come out the wrong way. I've just redirected my dependency on something that is eternal and unfailing.

If you've read my blog before, you know I have major consistency issues. No, I'm not talking like cottage cheese or buttermilk (both of which I loathe), but I'm speaking more about my interpersonal relationships with others. If you're not consistent = you don't love me/you don't care. Bottom line. No getting out of it. Must reconcile immediately to earn back my trust. I know, it sounds absurd, but it's a conditioned struggle thanks to my childhood. I just realized though, that there will be nothing....NOTHING that can fully satisfy me like God can. He's the only consistent person I'll ever have in my life. So, kind of like changing frequencies, I changed my dependency to God and it became clear.

My friendship with him has become real. Alive.

I began wondering how I came to this revelation. I pondered for a while, and roughly stumbled around to find the light of the answer. And like a beacon (play singing "aaaahhhh" music, please), I got my answer:

He gave me purpose. I have purpose right now by him, in him and through him. No one else can give me that. It just took me a while to fully embrace the purpose, but once I got it, I changed. I'm okay with being alone. I'm okay with my thoughts (for the most part). I'm learning to control my mind in the silence so that it doesn't linger on the failings of futile humanity.

Find your purpose in Him. He has one. It will bring content to your soul. Peace to your mind. Love to your heart.

"Ask and it will be given to you.
Seek and you will find.
Knock and the door will be opened."

The grass danced.

I just took a look at my feeds, and it seems that I currently have 42 posts. With about 10 weeks to go in the year, that means I averaged writing once a week. Once. A Week. That's just not acceptable. Surely I have more inspiration than that, but I've begun to accept the terrible truth that my life may just not be that exciting right now......

Psyche.

God is doing too many good things for my life not to be exploding with excitement! He's showing up in the oddest places, in the most unexpected ways and realigning my life to His. I do have something to write about. God is a good God. My dad once told me that no matter what happens, no matter how much I question God, to always remember that He is good. It may seem like a cheap piece of advice to you, but for some reason I've always referred back to it. It's like one of those truths that's ingrained in your brain and you could never forget it even if you tried.

He, the grand creator of all things in Heaven and Earth, reveals new things to us every day, but we must make time to listen. Notice I said make time to listen. The demands of life are trying for most people now, and if they're not, then people are busying themselves to boost their egos in order to convince themselves that they embody significance to the world. We must make time to listen to God. I believe that even sitting in solitude in your car, stuck in a traffic jam on I-75, the still voice of God can speak amidst the chaos.

I was doing a walk/run (I hate running, so I integrate jogging into my walks occasionally to make myself feel better) the other day, and my stomach started aching. I was elsewhere in my mind, thinking of how bad I wanted God to show me something new in the redundant circle of cement that I walk several times a week, but I stopped and sat down to ease the pain. As I was breathing heavily to catch my breath and get oxygen to the cramp (I think it works...I probably made that up completely), I watched the wind blow the grass. The grass danced.

I'm not sure if it was the waltz, the samba, the tango or the cha cha slide, but it danced. And God said, "Why do I have to cause you pain to make you sit and listen? I make the grass dance for you, but you miss it because you won't be still."

Surely this is something you've heard before, but for some reason we have to be reminded of it, just as I was. So I remind you to sit and listen. In the quiet, in the chaos, just listen. He will show you something, but whether it's good, bad, sad, full of joy and life or despair and doubt, remember that He is still good.

Be nice to everybody....

So lets just talk a minute. God is so good. I mean, SO good.

Romans 8:28, a well-known verse, says "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Yesterday, I told a friend, "I'd rather have nothing and have God provide everything than have everything and never see the hand of Jehovah Jireh work in my life." I don't think I expected this statement to become so real to me so soon. I prayed that I would see miracles and answered prayers in my everyday life. I expected this to take place once I got to Cambodia, not here...

So, I woke up today, bright and early at 8 a.m. thanks to the jet lag causing me to have no sense of time and absolutely no consistency in my sleeping/waking schedule. I went about my day as usual, and at 2:44 p.m. I get a phone call. It was from a local company here in town asking me to come talk to someone. I had no idea what this was about. I thought it was about missions of some sort, and I agreed to come in at 3:30. I rushed to get a shower and put myself together, seeing as I was in my sweaty workout clothes from walking the Greenway this morning, which by the way was perfect weather for walking. Anyway, I made it there right on the nose at 3:30. *whew*

I go in the office, meet this nice man that lives across the street from me, and he is sitting there with my resume in front of him and says he's talked to people that have spoken with people within the company that have met me/employed me (via internship) and everyone has been impressed. I'm thinking, "Uhm... okay, I didn't put in an application in this department. I have never talked to you before. And you've done research on me? Woah." Anyhoo, in the first five minutes, he says he knew I wanted to do missions and said he had part-time work available if I wanted it until I left for my big move in December. What??? I mean, I needed a job, but I hadn't applied anywhere since I've been back. I hadn't even been back a week, and God already lined it up for me.

So how did this happen, you wonder? Well, this man talked to my sweet Grandaddy that sits on the front porch and walks the neighborhood most days when he's feeling up to it. My grandaddy told him that I had applied for another position at the same company, but didn't get it because they were looking for more long term work. He told him that I was going into missions, but never said anything about a job with him. Apparently, God worked through my grandfather and the man felt compelled to offer me a part-time position. I mean, how good is God? He provided and gave me a miracle. When I had nothing. The day after I prayed. Seriously, that's pretty cool.

And so when I told my grandparents the news, the words of wisdom I received from my grandaddy while he was painfully laying in his bed struggling to nap this afternoon: "Be nice to everybody because you never know who you're gonna meet."

Somehow, God just keeps providing and affirming that I'm on the right track. Dear Lord, keep me there. Focused straight ahead. Keep paving that road.

Stretch out your arms and follow me.

It's hard to express what my eyes have seen since my trip to Cambodia. There are many vivid images that are going to remain in my mind for years to come, but it's because of these images that I'm becoming more of who God created me to be.

I knew I was called to missions earlier this year. Imagine, going 4 years of college and not knowing what exactly you wanted to do, and all of the sudden it's clear as day and you're drenched with confirmation. If you haven't been there yet, don't worry, it will come if you're seeking His will. It happened when I least expected it. Anyway, I don't take this trip to Cambodia lightly at all. For those of you that don't already know this (as if I'm writing to thousands), I went to Cambodia with the intentions of deciding on whether to return or not. I was instructed that I couldn't make a decision to return until I had seen it with my own eyes (although I initially wanted to move there without experiencing it first). Good advice, I'll say, but I was, as expected, drawn to the place. More drawn to the people than I thought I ever would be. My passion for people and especially children only expanded exponentially. Needless to say, I'll be returning. I will be leaving December 29, and plan to stay at least 6 months or until God releases me to go serve elsewhere. Right now, I'm just going to raise money in order to go back. A quote that I'll always remember hearing is, "If God has called you, He has also called the resources."

So, I'm writing this blog for a two-fold purpose. One, so that my grand audience can know my future plans. And Two, so that I can encourage everyone to seek the perfect will of God. I read a scripture today in John 21. It says (starting verse 18), "I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.” Jesus said this to let the future disciple know by what kind of death he would glorify God. Then Jesus told him, 'Follow me.' " This can be interpreted many ways, but in that moment that I read it, I took it as if God were saying "Stretch out your arms and follow me. Let me lead you. Let me clothe you. Leave the ways of your youth. Trust me to take you to the places of discomfort where you do not want to go, but where I want you to go so that you will glorify my Kingdom." It's this type of surrender that Jesus wants from us. To submit to Him with open arms and willingly accept the path that He has laid out for us to take.

I know that going to Cambodia is the first part of this wonderful, amazing calling that God has so graciously appointed for me. Why He chose me, I don't know because I don't feel deserving. But looking back on my life, everything makes perfect sense. My thinking, my feelings, my actions, my nature....it's all very purposeful for what I have been designed to do.

I pray that you will stretch out your hands to the Father and let him clothe you in garments of righteousness and faith. That you will desire holiness and trust Him to take you where He wills, and not where our young hearts selfishly stray away.

Abounding with Him

I realize that I want to be one of those people that inspires others because God's character radiates from my life and contracts a disease of spiritual affection to Christ. I want it to emit from the very pores of my flesh. Let love and joy be genuinely evident in my life, so much like a powerful, gushing waterfall- neverending and limitless. Although the source of the flow is unseen, we know it is massive and beyond our imagination. I pray that God would show Himself to me so much that I would recognize the hand of the eternal father in everything. I am ready to get out of this slump of dead lifeless carousel of repetition and step into a pool of purpose that will never cease to bring glory to Him. I want real joy and love. Genuine. Contagious. Joy and Love. I pray that it would grow deep in me and be rooted in Christ- evident to all, not for my recognition but so others might be drawn to the gift of salvation and share with me as an heir to the Kingdom. May harmony be produced through the true love of Jesus.

A Christian.

You ever heard the saying, "You learn something new every daÿ"? Well, I learn something new every hour. I've learned 5 Khmer phrases, been to the Killing Fields, Toun Sleng prison museum, the Russian Market, 2 malls, seen a guy with a barf bag on the plane stand right in front of me throwing up, smelled the odor of poverty, seen desperation at its worst, encountered more amputees than I've ever seen in my life and felt more of a desire and passion to be in this place than any other place before.

God has been showing me so much here. Thank you for all your prayers. They are being heard. When I went to the killing fields today, I initially knew what they were, but never imagined to be impacted as much as I did. I've never contemplated my stance on war more in my entire life. For those of you that don't know, there was a massive genocide in Cambodia in the 70s that took place killing over 3 million people. Most of the soldiers were teenagers, literally fighting for their lives so that they wouldn't be put to death. Today, I walked on the very grounds where MILLIONS were executed unjustly. I stood beneath a plexi-glass case that stands 50 feet high, full of skulls that belong to the innocent victims. I was overwhelmed with several emotions: GREAT sadness. Confusion. Anger. Unforgiveness. This was a genocide of the same extent if not worse than Germany's, yet so few people are aware. Why didn't we get involved and stop this civil uproar? Is there a way to be involved without killing innocent people? Can we honestly let millions die with a clear conscience? I don't have the answer.... I'm still searching. But I want to believe so bad that Jesus would want it to stop.

They said earlier that one of the men leading the Khmer Rouge that started the war is now a Christian. A Christian. A CHRISTIAN. Man, if that doesn't explain the grace of God I don't know what does. Thank you, Lord for letting him see the Christ of peace and love. A soul so dark has now been enlightened. I don't understand it, but that's why God is so much bigger than you and me.

We have much more to see. I have much more to learn. I wish I could share it all here, but time is short. I'm keeping a journal while I'm here and I'll be sure to transfer many journals here once I get back to the states. I love everyone that reads my little blog.

Dear 4 W's and the H, Burn away.... Love, K.

The last few times my Granddaddy and I have talked, he's told me not to worry. You know when someone gives you advice and you're thinking, "Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm not dealing with that, but thanks for your time well spent telling me about it..." then you actually take a good look at your life and realize how right they really were? Zing. Today during my walk/prayer time I found myself praying for things I was worried about. Ah, but of course, he was right.

So I started asking that God would help me not to be anxious. Philippians says, "Do not be anxious about anything but by prayer and petition, present your requests to God." So, I just started praying that God would make me independently dependent on JUST Him and Him alone. As a person who is very independent, I find myself occasionally falling in the trap of being dependent on people for affirmation, for satisfaction, for commendation, for a shoulder to cry on, for an open ear and still feel unfulfilled. I'm realizing that my Father isn't even hearing these requests from me firsthand. Unfortunately, my friends can't offer me any solution that is better than the one that God can give. He always wants to listen. always cares. always supports. always loves. Time cannot prevent God from giving me as much as I need. He's never bombarded with problems that He can't listen to mine. His love is not conditional. He is not moody. He won't share with anyone else. He genuinely cares about spending time with me because he cherishes my entire being that He took the time to create.

Back on track here......I firmly believe that I am in a place in my life where Christ should come first and worrying should be at the very end of my list. Yeah, it should have happened a long time ago, but in reality who really lives by that rule? I am tired of being drained by the agonizing questions of the 4 W's and the H. (for non-communication people, that's Who, Where, Why, When, How). Those things are a gallon full of confusion and stress sweetened with a flavor of "responsibility" just to make it taste right. Maybe I'm stretching it a bit, but what if being a Christian means that we're not always seeming to be responsible? We're not cookie-cutter perfect with our i's dotted and our t's crossed. We walk by faith and not by sight. We hope for things that are unseen and believe they will come to pass when our spirit Father decides to give it to us because we've devoted our lives to Him.

"No, I'm not married...or engaged....or dating anyone...."
"Nope, I don't officially know what I'm doing....."
"Nah, I have no idea where I'll be going....."
BUT
"I trust God will tell me what I'm supposed to do, where I'm destined to go, why I'm called to be there, when it's going to take place and how it's going to happen just as soon as He feels it's right, and if He doesn't answer all those questions at once, I'm still going to believe that I have enough insight to initiate the first step in the direction of the perfection of my calling." Booyah.

So, I'm forgetting the petty things that don't matter right now. Love Jesus and love people. The rest will fall into place. I am passionately seeking the way to live a destiny full of compassion with a heroic effort of boldness to eradicate the sinfulness that has penetrated itself into the very depths of our world and rescue the hurting and dying people so that they may have hope, experience freedom and be embraced by the unfailing love of Christ.

Worry cannot exist within this vision. Jesus, may the deepest desires of my heart swallow up all of the worry that antagonizes me each day so that I can live fully in you, trusting your every move and be able to love in a capacity that exceeds natural understanding.

Blissful Thinking

In response to a friend's great idea, I have his permission (thanks, love) to create a post similar to a recent one of his own. Apparently, I am to choose a phrase at the beginning and complete the thought. My phrase is "I like it when..."

I like it when.....


...My heart breaks for someone else because I feel connected to their soul. I can help someone solve a problem- It gives me a sense of usefulness. Someone takes a stand for justice. Couples are happy making each other happy. People take time to get to know who I really am. I see others live selflessly. I beat my Grammy in Scrabble, even though I feel sudo guilty. I am challenged. My friends feel loved by me. Bailey (my dog) kisses me in the face, even though it's gross. God uses me to pour into someone else's life. God uses someone else to pour into mine. My friend's strengths compensate for my weaknesses. People are honest and open. I think about the unfathomable idea of eternity even though I have a system failure in my brain. My toes hit the sand for the first time at the beach. Fall weather comes. I get to play with kids. I can bake for other people. My grandaddy calls me Special K... or just "Special" for short. There's a great parking spot at the mall waiting just for me. People want to go on coffee dates. Someone surprises me with a gift (a rarity, though). A handwritten letter comes in the mail, just for me. My favorite tv shows have all-day marathons. I can waste a day doing nothing and not feel ashamed. I can go to a home store and imagine what my future house will look like. I get to visit Disney World. People actually listen and care about what I'm saying. We have family dinners. Someone says "I love you" and means it.

I could go on, but my eyes won't allow me to. It's late and I need to go to bed. Maybe I'll do another one of these exercises another nite, and possibly be more creative with my first phrase. Thanks, B. This was fun. Love you.

Grammatically incorrectly correct

In watching the news on the latest crash and burn from Lehman Brothers and the Bank of America/Merrill Lynch acquisition on Fox News, my grandmother says....

"Cain't nobody buy out Jesus. He is the only secure thing we have."


That's right, Grammy. You tell 'em. He is the only stable thing we have. Isn't that a funny thought? No amount of money can purchase Jesus. Nothing can kill him. Nothing can stop him. No person can tear him down. And to think that we put our faith in so many other things sometimes.

Just let it sink in. It's one of those "my brain hurts" moments if you think about it hard enough. There's absolutely nothing that can take him away from us. Well, glory.

I'm positive I'll be mocked for this.

There is a big part of adventure that I now believe is sticky to the touch and should be avoided. In walking with some of my friends tonight during what we were calling "ghost-hunting", I stepped into it with very innocent intentions. What seems to be innocent always has a way of sneaking in a little harm on the side. Our mind has commonly been called a battlefield, but even in knowing that this statement remains very accurate for a majority of people on Earth (whether they recognize it or not), we still tend to toy with the ideas of the darkness of spirituality. We allow ourselves to entertain thoughts of the realities in realms of evil and corrupt wickedness. So ignorant. So........blatantly stupid of us.

Back to my story.......We're walking through this dark forest, headed to an old colonial prison, where apparently tons of American men had died. It's cool, not too creepy. It's history, so there is an element of mystery yet also appreciation for it's structure and wealth of age. However, it's not the building that causes the pit of my stomach to sink, it's the step that was taken in light of the atmosphere, which was to tell factual stories of encounters with various spirits/ghosts/beings. I wanted so bad to close my ears. To leave. To vanish. To be a ghoul myself and be anywhere but there. I couldn't, because I couldn't ruin the fun for everyone. What a people pleaser I turned out to be.

This is the part where people begin to mock. Mock if you will, but I'll believe what I want and you can't stop me. I've never liked scary movies. Is there really enjoyment in being shaken to fear? Thrust into a position of internal imbalance for some deep emotional thrill...?? I shudder at the thought. It's beyond me to understand what kind of pleasing excitement is birthed from fear and why it's worth the venture. I revert back to that childhood song, "oh be careful little eyes what you see....oh be careful little ears what you hear...." It's about guarding your heart. I believe, the things, good/bad soil, that enter through your senses can also penetrate into the heart. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." Am I right? It's not an odd connection. The parallel here that I'm trying to show is that what is going in the body is settling down on the inside and somehow planting its unhealthy roots at the core of our spirits and producing a fruit that is already rotten and spoiled. What goes in eventually comes out. It's a natural bodily function, and I believe it's a natural spiritual function as well.

So I'm walking back, after hearing multiple ghost stories, and feeling wrong about what just happened, knowing my own vulnerability to the situation, and as clear as day I hear Jesus say, "Think on things that are true. noble. and good." Needless to say, I was convicted. I'm sure that most people wouldn't be, but I was. So much so that I had to sit and write about it in order to purge myself of all this wickedness I let in my mind and allow God to restore a sense of order and stability to my thoughts with His peace. In everything I do, I want to give glory to Him. Such a hard command to obey, but in regards to this situation tonight, I want to be obedient and turn it around for His glory.

We are so weak, God. Consecrate our minds daily to You so that we do not allow the evils of this world to poison our spirits.

a pocketful of people

Funny how God just sort of brings people in and out of your life. I read something today about relationships helping with a healing process.... and so I started pondering why people are consistently inconsistent. For a girl like me, consistency is a big deal. Even if you know me well, you may not know that consistency it is on my top 5 most important qualities in a person, and especially a friend. The thing is, I think I could count on one hand, and not even use all my fingers, and tell you how many people have been consistently one of my closest friends for over a year. Sad, right?

Well, that's not the point I'm trying to make.

It's more of a question, you see. I want to know if I could really look at every person that has at one time or another been what I would call a part of my life and be able to determine exactly what they offered, how they helped me, how I helped them, what God did with us. It's an interesting thought, but I know that God uses people to show you things.

I'm in the process of figuring out a few things about some current people in my life. Don't worry, it's nothing bad, (so don't go overanalyzing our friendship) but I'm wondering why God has placed them in my life for this time. What is the purpose? I'm beginning to look at life differently at how my relationships play into my personal refinement process. "Iron sharpens iron", we've heard said before. So, what part of me is being sharpened right now? Or is there a part that exists now? Who is doing it? Am I helping?

There are few people in the comings and goings of my two decades of life that I can say I have experience a strong sense of God's presence from. It's those people that I want to surround myself with. I just want to make sure that they want to surround themselves with me. Within the last couple of months, I have been fortunate enough to meet a handful of these type people, and all I can do is pray that I recognize what God is trying to show me/teach me through these friendships.

So, God.... let me gain from these relationships, but more importantly let me pour out into them so that we are mutually serving one another and also edifying You. Show me what it is you want me to learn from each person in my life, and use me to be a shining light in their spirit so that they can see more of who you are, and so that we can be strengthened in unity. Put people in my life that want to be consistent. I don't want the shallowness anymore, but people who want depth and growth. Amen.

Eyes on the cross, Hands in the air.

So, recently I blogged about the current status of my life. Oh how God can use some things to make you recognize that your present state, no matter how depressing it really is, does not dictate your actions. We choose how we react to things. We can react with our sinful nature (excuses, depression, despair) or our HOPE, which is Christ.

In church Sunday, Pastor was talking about baggage. It was a good message... he left his notes at home, and kinda winged it but maybe it was divine. God used him so much to speak to me. I know that I have let a lot of things really bog me down lately, and now more than ever I was allowing the enemy to control my emotions and feelings and ultimately ruin my walk with the Lord by distracting my gaze on the cross to my problems. I was still in the Word, but the fervor wasn't there. It was only questions of why, why, why.

By nature, I am a ball of joy, love, excitement and encouragement. My anxiety was stealing all of these things and reintroducing old issues I had already previously dealt with in my past. The enemy is so sly in his ways...attacking me in the midst of a place of rest God has given me.

It's time that we start walking in our promises. Waking up and speaking the LIFE of the Word over ourselves from the first moment of consciousness in the morning. Rather than dwelling on what I'm not doing because of all the free time I have right now, I need to be focused more on what I could be doing which is utilizing this time to seek Christ. Seeking God is a journey and job in itself. It is labor. It is hard work. I was selfish to take this time for granted and not see that it is a gift from God. I will learn a new lesson every day, and today I learn to accept what I have and don't lose sight of the goal of discipleship. I want to be distracted by my discipleship.

the downcast shadow of my transparency

Ever experience those unexplainable moments where you just can't put your finger on what you're feeling because a flood of multiple emotions is raging down on you? Yep. Say hello to my life as of late. Crazy as it sounds, I don't have a lot going on around me, but there is so much going on inside of me.

current status of my.....

Thoughts: jaded. boggled.
Emotions: overwhelmed.
Body: tired.
Feelings: undefinable.
Job: non-existent.
Future: unknown.
Desire: to know God more deeply and hear His voice clearly and distinctly.
Motivation: struggling...but i'm trying.
Craving: banana pudding with cool whip on top.
Plan: be joyful in hope. patient in affliction. faithful in prayer. take every thought captive and make it obedient to God.

we walk away calmly & they are dumbfounded.

James 2:18 "How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.”

I've read James countless times before, but this scripture just jumped out at me today. I will show you my faith by my good deeds. This means that we are displaying our Christianity in our actions. *duh* This is a scary thought. We're conveying our faith based on how we act. It's simple... but just let it resonate in your head for a moment. If you were to live a day watching your every moment, recognizing it was an open display of who Jesus is, would you be pleased? Better question... would HE be pleased? Tonite at church, I asked the kids in the youth group (during my five minute schpeel about serving) "If you could not speak, could people see Christ in you based on the way that you act?" It's more than your words. The action is more than just "going to church", as those hierarchial kings and queens of the church would think.

Matthew 25:40 says, "whatever you have done to the least of these, you have done unto me." Every minute that we encounter another human creation, we have encountered Christ. This includes the guy that cut you off in traffic today, the rude person on the telephone, the child that wouldn't quit screaming, the person you think is so annoying....... Reflect on how you handled it for a moment.

I try to remind myself that it's not the server's fault my food didn't come out fast enough; It's not the bank teller's fault that $300 was randomly withdrawn from my account; and my Grammy didn't mean to throw away that unopened king sized Reese's stick package I wanted to eat (that was SO sad. I got it for 89 cents and was so excited to indulge!!). In reviewing my circumstances and situations where I would naturally be angry and resort to being a hothead, I have to keep my cool and react with peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control. These situations where most people get riled up, is when we can show the fruits of the living God that lives inside of us and be Christian without words.

It's doing what most people don't want to do, and I'm not even talking about helping the poor. ((Whew, that'll get me off on another tangent.)) Lets just focus on what we're doing every day with the people we interact with, and make sure that Jesus can been seen in it all. If they give us strange looks, we're probably doing something right.

you think you act like a grown-up, huh?

So, I've decided I want to be a little more committed to my blogging. I realize that the writing will probably be therapeutic for me, regardless of the complexity or profoundness of the content. My thoughts need to be expressed in some way, because I understand that I talk a lot and people just can't listen as long as I want to talk. (God, please bless my future husband with genuine interest to what I have to say and may he never be bored with me. Amen.)

Momma always said "don't hate" but I'll say it again and again.... I HATE complainers (sorry, Mom). Today, I must express some frustration, and it could be interpreted as a complaint. In essence, I hate what I'm doing but I'm doing it anyway (didn't Paul say something about that? Oh well...Anyway....)

I strongly dislike it when people just a few years older than you make you feel incompetent, inadequate, immature, uneducated, irresponsible, etc, etc, etc. You know? It's those people who have known you since you were young, and they can't get over the fact that you're not in middle/high school anymore. When you're an adult, out of college, you're an adult. Bottom line. I can contribute to adult conversations, I can keep my mouth shut, I dislike drama, I have passions, dreams and goals other than being a fireman or a princess. I don't like feeling that I have to prove my "adult-ness" to people who are just 25, 26, 27 years old. You're in your thirties and forties? Okay, I'll accept it that you're in a different stage in your life that I am, but when you're in your twenties, out of college and single, that's three things we have in common so please don't discount me as a person.

I was with a friend (or who I thought was a friend) recently and this person was on the phone with a friend of theirs and was asked the question, "who are you with? should I come?" and this person said, "oh... it's just Kristen and... so it's not that big of a deal. I wouldn't worry about coming." I knew the person they were talking to... and I was mildly offended/hurt. Honestly, people are people. We each have feelings. Frustration/Annoyance towards you can be easily sensed in others, especially those older, but do you have a right to make me feel inferior? I was so hurt, and unfortunately I now look at this person differently every day because I know they don't see value in me.

Anyway, I'm going to try to swallow my own words and remember this as I get older.... and even now. I never want others to feel that I am not interested in them because of their age. It's Biblical. I encourage everyone to please think on the different people you encounter on a daily basis, in different social circles (church, school, work) and reconsider your actions/words. Everything you say and do reflects the way that people view you, and I know I don't want to be looked at as a superior narcissist.

*I apologize for my frankness.... please forgive me. I just had to get it off my chest.*

restlessness stinks.

When we're in school, we wish we werent. When we're out, we wish we were with everyone. We love the social life. We hate the drama. I'll miss the moments I skip class in the morning to go to breakfast. I'll miss never going to chapel. I'll never regret going to class in my pj's with my hair tucked under a hat to disguise the late nite I had before. I miss the whistles and cheers of my closest guy friends when I walk through a door balancing a handful of warm cupcakes and cookies.

But I don't want to go back.

As strange as it is for me to hear about the confusion my friends are facing with the trials of their new semester schedule changes and deferred payment plans, I embrace the freedom that has come with this achievement of graduating.

I find myself having to say goodbye every month, it seems. I looked at one of my dearest friends yesterday after church, with tears in my eyes and didn't want to face the fact that in less than a week, he was going thousands of miles away from me. I had to say goodbye again to another bestie who keeps leaving me to teach Korean kids. :) *you know I love ya* And eventually, I want to be the one people are saying goodbye to.

I understand it's part of the change.... and I'm not talking menopause... I'm talking about the transition into "real life" requiring these goodbyes. People leaving. New plans. Marriage. etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about my life. I'm just feeling lost. Misplaced? No job. No money. Just the desire to help others find life through the treasured gift of knowing Christ.

I know God has me here in Cleveland for a reason (as bad as I want to get out). It's not my time to leave. I have to suffer watching others move away and pray my day will come soon. I know I'm leaving for Cambodia soon, and God is going to do amazing things (which I will write about later), but until then what do I do? I can't stand being unproductive. Jobless. Nothing I am trying to do is working out... something just tells me I should wait. As much as I want to fight it, I can't. God's going to do, what God's going to do. Maybe He is seeing if I'll be a good steward of my time while I'm sitting around. I'll tell ya, I haven't been (Thanks, Olympics).

I guess as cliche as it is.... it's all in His timing, and I just gotta rest on that promise.

simple brilliance

Today, I may have thought about my future more than any other day. It's funny because when family comes in town, they want to know everything. "So what's next?" "Where are you living?" "When are you going to get married?" (really? I mean, c'mon I'm not even dating anyone!!!) ........... ............ ........... of course, I have answers, but they're not always the answers I want to give nor are they always the answers they want to hear.

Maybe the best thing I heard all day was "Following in your Granddaddy's footsteps, eh?" I'm not sure if I can even say that I am even hundreds of thousands of light years from where his footsteps are. I'm just taking my first baby steps into this new part of my life! It's a great compliment, I suppose, but in reality I'm not sure whose footsteps I'm following right now.

People expect so many concrete answers the second that you step out of college. I got a little overwhelmed, stepped away from the family and just sat in the sunroom by myself thinking of where in the world my life was going. Should I have answers? I hadn't been fearful at all... until now. I was so certain before and now, here I was staring out into the backyard while the overcast sky hovers over my head, wondering if maybe I should just accept a job in Atlanta doing whatever I can just so I can appear to be happily responsible and "grown-up." But no... I don't want to make a buck. I want to do what thrills my heart and help people, and more importantly I just want to trust God. I have so far, so why quit now?

I can't let a million questions from my closest family members turn the wheels in my head too fast. My Grandaddy asks me, "Do you think you can handle it?" (in regards to me living with them)... and I said "do you think YOU can handle it?" He chuckles, and says "We'll be fine." I say hesitantly, "I'm just wondering what I'm going to do after all my traveling. Where am I going to go?" And he speaks simple brilliance of course, "Don't worry about it. Just let God figure it out for you." This, coming from the man that I am supposedly following behind... But I realize those words have come straight from my own mouth. Only, they are doubted when I say them because I have no experience backing them. One day God will prove my words true.

So maybe I am a little like him. I see such a mixture of myself in my dad's mischief, my mom's kindness, my grandmother's go-getter attitude, but most importantly I see me in my Grandaddy's heart.

I may not know who or IF I'm going to marry. Where I'm going to live. What kind of job I'll have. Or if I'll live til tomorrow.... But worrying won't make it better or less complicated. It won't give me answers and won't give me peace. So, my resolution is clear as day, and when I am probed with questions of my future, I"ll give them one answer:
"I'm not worried about it and I'm letting God figure it out for me." :)

a love storm.

My heart pounds in my chest and a smile bubbles up from deep inside.
i feel as if I could very well be in love with someone I've never met.
A child. An orphan. A widow.

Desperation. Resentment. Hurt.
Hope. Desire. Chance.
they are the words I see when looking at pictures of the eyes of children that need love.
need Jesus.
they need someone to teach them that Jesus is real.
so that means i need to be a Jesus with skin on.
to be worthy of such a calling... it is not possible.

I am itching to go now.
to help, to serve, to share, to embrace the hearts of the broken and poor.
i want my feet to be calloused from walking miles to rescue a daughter from slavery.
they are callouses of Christ.
rough edges to remind me of my pursuit to save the lost.

Do I have enough love to share with them all?
love is giving and not getting.
it transcends all.
there is no language for it,
hundreds of definitions exist for the word,
but it is spoken without a sound.

Oh, God. swallow me whole.
if I am in you, I am immersed in an everlasting, never-ending pool of love.
if I have yours, can I ever run out?
it is a resource that everyone needs, but the vain reject.

Make me a cloud of love.
raining,
never running dry.
carrying over thousands at a time,
showering them with refreshment.
use me to flood dry land that has been desperately withered by the drought.

For all who come

Lips of angels open wide to sing of You, the Great One
Nations gather to see the radiance of your beauty
We lift our gaze to the sacrifice on the cross and say

It was your grace that gave me life
Your blood was shed as my price
Salvation as a purchased freedom
Paid by my Savior for all who come

Freedom flowed out over every hand
Reaching to touch the hem of your garment
Once held in bondage we are no more
Our chains were broken by the love you showed

It was your grace that gave me life
Your blood was shed as my price
Salvation as a purchased freedom
Paid by my Savior for all who come

I'll take seconds, please.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." -Mother Teresa

After sifting through loads of quotes made by this incredibly awe-inspiring woman, I sat here and laughed at this statement. When she made it, I have no idea if she ever intended this to be humorous, however, it struck me funny when I read it because it applied to my current situation.

I've been learning so much lately... Experiencing a lot of spiritual oppression. It's not stress, because I don't believe in it. :) I always said, "stress is just another way of saying you have poor time management." I still think it to be true, but oh how we confuse the two: spiritual oppression and stress. We don't want to overspiritualize situations in our lives, but it's not always overspiritualization, it's merely just a spiritually antagonistic reality.

In church this morning, the pastor said, "If you are following a God-given vision, you will inevitably face opposition." "Heck yes you will," I thought to myself. Upon that, I was thinking of everything that has possibly gone wrong lately or at least caused some sort of worry. The people that have spoken ill of what I am doing or even not believed that my heart was right. Comparing myself to Nehemiah's opposition he faced when rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, I felt pretty encouraged. He prayed for strength. "Strengthen my hands, God."

All I want is for God to strengthen my mind. Strengthen my will to push forward in the face of lies. Strengthen my faith to believe in myself and my calling. I can't allow the situations of today to define how tomorrow will be, because tomorrow will worry about itself.

For some reason, if we get down, we lose our faith in everything around us and the enemy wins. We lose our joy. We lose our will to live life to the best. I know that the devil hates my laughter. Hates my joy. He tries to crush it by the people who hate it most. I referred to it once as my "eternal optimism." It was a despised statement, but I'd like to think that the schemes of the devil are being crushed by my smiles through trials.

I'm learning to let God take care of me. I'm not sinking into laziness or anything, but in the things I cannot control or provide for myself, I'm praying that God would take care of it. It's difficult to do. Especially when you have been provisionally helped by human hands for as long as you can remember. But he is a faithful God, and a Father. He wouldn't give me a stone if I asked for bread.

So I laugh. I smile at my situation and say, "Why, God? Why do you trust me so much?"

I sit back and wait for him to laugh back and say, "Daughter, you are far stronger than you know. I just want you to believe."

...and I think to myself...." if he trusts me enough to give me more to bear, then I'll take seconds, please."

i want the words to say it right.

Today I sat with a friend, struggling to find a way to perfectly articulate just what I wanted to say. It was a battle to sit and listen to a detailed description of a trying situation, know the solution and then come up with the most convincing way to help them carry it out. Some decisions require a bold commitment. You must firmly walk to the right or to the left. There's no turning back. We may hurt. We may not understand what seems to be repercussions. We could allow ourselves to be arrested by blame based upon our decisions. Regardless of whatever sort of conclusions may draw from the direction we take, I believe that if it's a godly decision being led by the holy spirit, it's right.

It's incredibly difficult for me as an outsider to watch someone get beat up emotionally and spiritually when it would just take a second for them to get up and walk away from the lashings. Why in the world do we allow ourselves to be crucified by the world? The scripture in Galatians that says "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Gal. 2:20) takes on a brand new meaning to me. Bear with me as I describe...

It's a significant commitment to be crucified with Christ. We will be mocked. Spit at. Scoffed at. At times I'm sure we feel the cat of nine tails grinding into our backbone, shredding our flesh and pouring out life. In thinking about this though, I would rather be crucified with Christ, knowing He lives in me and be persecuted for it than to be crucified by the world and experience excruciating pain that will not gain anything more than another gash.

I understand the hurt experienced in removing an empty, yet fulfilling piece of your life in order that Christ's spirit may live. It's like taking a bullet out of the wound and allowing it to heal. You must first have the strength to endure the pain that you will knowingly face when digging it out of the hole in your flesh. Once out, you must have the patience to allow the wound to heal. It's deep, so we want it to heal fast, but it doesn't....and the hurt experienced during the healing process is just part of the experience. In the end when it's all said and done, we look down and see that scar. Behind every scar is a story, and it's with that story that we encourage others. Better than that, we can glorify God in it remembering His faithfulness to us, in teaching us to grow.

I haven't mastered this idea of a daily crucifixion with Christ, but who has? I know that I understand it, but more importantly I just want to be able to encourage others to do it. I'm mostly concerned with them removing the bullets out of their lives so that Christ can begin the healing process and bring them to their full potential.

However eloquent or rash the words I use must be, I hope they're carried by the Holy Spirit so that it can pierce the hearts of many and begin that long, wonderful road of a crucified commitment to Christ.

steady, child.... take my hand.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." Psalm 37:23

My desire is to please your heart
to make you feel the warmth of my deep love for you
take my hand.
never let it go.
hold tight and steady my footing.

I balance my way across life's tightrope string.
It bends.
It sways.
It sinks.
It breaks.
But your hand upholds me.
Your strength prevails.
For you know my every intention, and you promised that the ways of the righteous would be ordered.

You said you would keep my head above the water, never to let me drown.
It bobs up and down and I taste the saltiness of the sea.
My legs tire out from treading the waves of suffering.
I see my will to hold on drifting towards the deep.
Just as I begin to immerse myself into the mouth of the earth...
I am rescued.
Pulled up.
Dry.

The winds of the heavens rush through my hair as if it were the very breath of God.
Words "I love you" blow past me in a gust of air that wraps itself around my frail form.
They are the words any woman waits to hear from the man who takes her hand forever.
Forever.
I feel cradled by these words and I know they are Forever.
This love is lasting.
Unfailing.

We dance.
I don't remember learning the steps.
It was as if we had done it a thousand times before.
You take my face,
tilt my chin up towards the sky,
and sweetly whisper these words...
"as long as you're mine, I'll never let you fall."

I believe....because you have never failed me before.

7.9.2008- a reminesce of the fire.

More than ever before I am done with my past. I have let go of it and completely committed my life to Christ. I am focusing on chasing after what lies ahead, just like Paul encouraged us to do. Funny how just when things get going for you and you begin to feel so confident about things, a little something from your past seems to pop up. It's a challenge. It helps you grow. Stretches you. Refines you through the FIRE. It burns. It aches. It polishes. I am left shining as new.

I thank God for His Healing.
Restoration.
Confidence.
Liberation.
Freedom.
Significance.

Without these things I would be nothing. I wouldn't have the strength to push through my past and reach out for the future. Stretching for it, I'm grabbing hold of the promises He has given me and holding fast to the truth of it all that I am not who I used to be, but that I exist as a new creation. The new wineskin is fashioned to contain the new wine. The old will cause it to burst... to be ruined.

The oppression of the past will not define me. The hurt that tries to lurk its way back into my life will not swallow my joy.

Thank you God for the work that you have been doing in my life. For knowing me better than I know myself and giving me just exactly what compliments my passions and vision. Thank you for answering prayers, for hearing my voice, for providing and directing.

Let me shadow your silhouette, being in step with every footprint you plant whether it be through mud, sand, dirt or grass. It is my desire to be mistaken as You.

He says that I am because I am and He defines me.

I have been thinking lately of the possibility that our biggest insecurities could be a result of the enemy's way of distracting us from what could exist as our most violent threat against the Kingdom. Don't be confused. What I'm saying is that when we address each individual flaw or insecurity that we may have, most of the time it is just a dumb issue of self-perception rather than an issue that Christ is concerned about changing within our hearts. We have tendencies to put our focus on certain aspects of our lives that we cannot even attempt to change, but God can.

For example, I might suggest that I fear how people perceive me. However, in theory, this fear, which is first of all not in the nature of God, could possibly be stemming from a lie planted by the Devil. I'm sure he wants to entice us into believing that our biggest flaws will prevent us from achieving our life-long dreams and goals just so we can be steered away from our focal point, which is Jesus. The reality of it is that we can't change the way that people perceive us. If we focus so much on not being something for the sheer purpose of convincing others, then we are probably faking it in the long run. There is no genuine change, no heart transformation, no significant inner conversion. Without it, we are really fooling ourselves into believing we are who we say we are. But what we're saying really isn't what we are.

Now, when I said earlier that it could be his way of distracting us from even the most violent threat against Christ, I mean that Satan loves to lure us away from anything that could draw us nearer to the heart of God. Our pride, for instance. We may not realize that it presently resides within our spirit because we are too caught up in star-gazing at our insecurities and entertaining them with the "how can i fix myself" and "what can I do to make myself look /be better?" questions. The idea is to distract. Take away from our vision of the Father and be consumed with the love of self and outer perceptions.

Our focus should not be on who we are, what we can fix, or how we can make people like us better. We get so caught up in the aesthetics of Christianity that we begin striving to make people believe we love Jesus rather than actually embracing His heart. The biggest mistake we could ever make is to look at Christianity with a Pharisaic perception. It's not about what we can do or how we/others perceive ourselves/us to be, but its more about taking on the mind of Christ. I've really learned that you have to first get to know WHO He is before you can begin to become like Him. How can we imitate someone who we don't know? In finding who He is and desiring to emulate just that, a change begins to take place in our spirit, rooting out every bad seed of our lives and revealing the deeper sicknesses that could be infecting our spiritual walk.

Once we have found Christ and allowed Him to presently take the reins of our lives, we become consumed by Him. I honestly believe in finding our Creator, we find who we were created to be- the human God designed, desires and destined. We no longer thrive off others or submit to man's opinion. The bad in our lives is extracted bit by bit by the person who knows what truly belongs in our lives and what doesn't. We naturally become Christlike. Beautiful. Desired. Loved. Humbled. Healed. Cherished.

Don't allow insecurity of your self-perception to take over in your life. Take hold of who Christ is and find yourself in Him, understanding who he has created you to be. Let Jesus, not the world, unveil those issues that exist in your life that need to be ailed. My guess is that it probably won't start out with how you appear to others. He will most likely show you the things that need to be fixed first that He sees as most prevalent. God is really good at humbling us. I feel like I get humbled (and humiliated) almost every day. It hurts. I mess up, but I realize that in those moments of my wrongness He has taught me how to become more like Him. I truly believe that the second our concern veers more towards caring about how our Father perceives us and pleasing Him, that it is then the world begins to perceive us for the better.