a pocketful of people

Funny how God just sort of brings people in and out of your life. I read something today about relationships helping with a healing process.... and so I started pondering why people are consistently inconsistent. For a girl like me, consistency is a big deal. Even if you know me well, you may not know that consistency it is on my top 5 most important qualities in a person, and especially a friend. The thing is, I think I could count on one hand, and not even use all my fingers, and tell you how many people have been consistently one of my closest friends for over a year. Sad, right?

Well, that's not the point I'm trying to make.

It's more of a question, you see. I want to know if I could really look at every person that has at one time or another been what I would call a part of my life and be able to determine exactly what they offered, how they helped me, how I helped them, what God did with us. It's an interesting thought, but I know that God uses people to show you things.

I'm in the process of figuring out a few things about some current people in my life. Don't worry, it's nothing bad, (so don't go overanalyzing our friendship) but I'm wondering why God has placed them in my life for this time. What is the purpose? I'm beginning to look at life differently at how my relationships play into my personal refinement process. "Iron sharpens iron", we've heard said before. So, what part of me is being sharpened right now? Or is there a part that exists now? Who is doing it? Am I helping?

There are few people in the comings and goings of my two decades of life that I can say I have experience a strong sense of God's presence from. It's those people that I want to surround myself with. I just want to make sure that they want to surround themselves with me. Within the last couple of months, I have been fortunate enough to meet a handful of these type people, and all I can do is pray that I recognize what God is trying to show me/teach me through these friendships.

So, God.... let me gain from these relationships, but more importantly let me pour out into them so that we are mutually serving one another and also edifying You. Show me what it is you want me to learn from each person in my life, and use me to be a shining light in their spirit so that they can see more of who you are, and so that we can be strengthened in unity. Put people in my life that want to be consistent. I don't want the shallowness anymore, but people who want depth and growth. Amen.

Eyes on the cross, Hands in the air.

So, recently I blogged about the current status of my life. Oh how God can use some things to make you recognize that your present state, no matter how depressing it really is, does not dictate your actions. We choose how we react to things. We can react with our sinful nature (excuses, depression, despair) or our HOPE, which is Christ.

In church Sunday, Pastor was talking about baggage. It was a good message... he left his notes at home, and kinda winged it but maybe it was divine. God used him so much to speak to me. I know that I have let a lot of things really bog me down lately, and now more than ever I was allowing the enemy to control my emotions and feelings and ultimately ruin my walk with the Lord by distracting my gaze on the cross to my problems. I was still in the Word, but the fervor wasn't there. It was only questions of why, why, why.

By nature, I am a ball of joy, love, excitement and encouragement. My anxiety was stealing all of these things and reintroducing old issues I had already previously dealt with in my past. The enemy is so sly in his ways...attacking me in the midst of a place of rest God has given me.

It's time that we start walking in our promises. Waking up and speaking the LIFE of the Word over ourselves from the first moment of consciousness in the morning. Rather than dwelling on what I'm not doing because of all the free time I have right now, I need to be focused more on what I could be doing which is utilizing this time to seek Christ. Seeking God is a journey and job in itself. It is labor. It is hard work. I was selfish to take this time for granted and not see that it is a gift from God. I will learn a new lesson every day, and today I learn to accept what I have and don't lose sight of the goal of discipleship. I want to be distracted by my discipleship.

the downcast shadow of my transparency

Ever experience those unexplainable moments where you just can't put your finger on what you're feeling because a flood of multiple emotions is raging down on you? Yep. Say hello to my life as of late. Crazy as it sounds, I don't have a lot going on around me, but there is so much going on inside of me.

current status of my.....

Thoughts: jaded. boggled.
Emotions: overwhelmed.
Body: tired.
Feelings: undefinable.
Job: non-existent.
Future: unknown.
Desire: to know God more deeply and hear His voice clearly and distinctly.
Motivation: struggling...but i'm trying.
Craving: banana pudding with cool whip on top.
Plan: be joyful in hope. patient in affliction. faithful in prayer. take every thought captive and make it obedient to God.

we walk away calmly & they are dumbfounded.

James 2:18 "How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.”

I've read James countless times before, but this scripture just jumped out at me today. I will show you my faith by my good deeds. This means that we are displaying our Christianity in our actions. *duh* This is a scary thought. We're conveying our faith based on how we act. It's simple... but just let it resonate in your head for a moment. If you were to live a day watching your every moment, recognizing it was an open display of who Jesus is, would you be pleased? Better question... would HE be pleased? Tonite at church, I asked the kids in the youth group (during my five minute schpeel about serving) "If you could not speak, could people see Christ in you based on the way that you act?" It's more than your words. The action is more than just "going to church", as those hierarchial kings and queens of the church would think.

Matthew 25:40 says, "whatever you have done to the least of these, you have done unto me." Every minute that we encounter another human creation, we have encountered Christ. This includes the guy that cut you off in traffic today, the rude person on the telephone, the child that wouldn't quit screaming, the person you think is so annoying....... Reflect on how you handled it for a moment.

I try to remind myself that it's not the server's fault my food didn't come out fast enough; It's not the bank teller's fault that $300 was randomly withdrawn from my account; and my Grammy didn't mean to throw away that unopened king sized Reese's stick package I wanted to eat (that was SO sad. I got it for 89 cents and was so excited to indulge!!). In reviewing my circumstances and situations where I would naturally be angry and resort to being a hothead, I have to keep my cool and react with peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control. These situations where most people get riled up, is when we can show the fruits of the living God that lives inside of us and be Christian without words.

It's doing what most people don't want to do, and I'm not even talking about helping the poor. ((Whew, that'll get me off on another tangent.)) Lets just focus on what we're doing every day with the people we interact with, and make sure that Jesus can been seen in it all. If they give us strange looks, we're probably doing something right.

you think you act like a grown-up, huh?

So, I've decided I want to be a little more committed to my blogging. I realize that the writing will probably be therapeutic for me, regardless of the complexity or profoundness of the content. My thoughts need to be expressed in some way, because I understand that I talk a lot and people just can't listen as long as I want to talk. (God, please bless my future husband with genuine interest to what I have to say and may he never be bored with me. Amen.)

Momma always said "don't hate" but I'll say it again and again.... I HATE complainers (sorry, Mom). Today, I must express some frustration, and it could be interpreted as a complaint. In essence, I hate what I'm doing but I'm doing it anyway (didn't Paul say something about that? Oh well...Anyway....)

I strongly dislike it when people just a few years older than you make you feel incompetent, inadequate, immature, uneducated, irresponsible, etc, etc, etc. You know? It's those people who have known you since you were young, and they can't get over the fact that you're not in middle/high school anymore. When you're an adult, out of college, you're an adult. Bottom line. I can contribute to adult conversations, I can keep my mouth shut, I dislike drama, I have passions, dreams and goals other than being a fireman or a princess. I don't like feeling that I have to prove my "adult-ness" to people who are just 25, 26, 27 years old. You're in your thirties and forties? Okay, I'll accept it that you're in a different stage in your life that I am, but when you're in your twenties, out of college and single, that's three things we have in common so please don't discount me as a person.

I was with a friend (or who I thought was a friend) recently and this person was on the phone with a friend of theirs and was asked the question, "who are you with? should I come?" and this person said, "oh... it's just Kristen and... so it's not that big of a deal. I wouldn't worry about coming." I knew the person they were talking to... and I was mildly offended/hurt. Honestly, people are people. We each have feelings. Frustration/Annoyance towards you can be easily sensed in others, especially those older, but do you have a right to make me feel inferior? I was so hurt, and unfortunately I now look at this person differently every day because I know they don't see value in me.

Anyway, I'm going to try to swallow my own words and remember this as I get older.... and even now. I never want others to feel that I am not interested in them because of their age. It's Biblical. I encourage everyone to please think on the different people you encounter on a daily basis, in different social circles (church, school, work) and reconsider your actions/words. Everything you say and do reflects the way that people view you, and I know I don't want to be looked at as a superior narcissist.

*I apologize for my frankness.... please forgive me. I just had to get it off my chest.*

restlessness stinks.

When we're in school, we wish we werent. When we're out, we wish we were with everyone. We love the social life. We hate the drama. I'll miss the moments I skip class in the morning to go to breakfast. I'll miss never going to chapel. I'll never regret going to class in my pj's with my hair tucked under a hat to disguise the late nite I had before. I miss the whistles and cheers of my closest guy friends when I walk through a door balancing a handful of warm cupcakes and cookies.

But I don't want to go back.

As strange as it is for me to hear about the confusion my friends are facing with the trials of their new semester schedule changes and deferred payment plans, I embrace the freedom that has come with this achievement of graduating.

I find myself having to say goodbye every month, it seems. I looked at one of my dearest friends yesterday after church, with tears in my eyes and didn't want to face the fact that in less than a week, he was going thousands of miles away from me. I had to say goodbye again to another bestie who keeps leaving me to teach Korean kids. :) *you know I love ya* And eventually, I want to be the one people are saying goodbye to.

I understand it's part of the change.... and I'm not talking menopause... I'm talking about the transition into "real life" requiring these goodbyes. People leaving. New plans. Marriage. etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about my life. I'm just feeling lost. Misplaced? No job. No money. Just the desire to help others find life through the treasured gift of knowing Christ.

I know God has me here in Cleveland for a reason (as bad as I want to get out). It's not my time to leave. I have to suffer watching others move away and pray my day will come soon. I know I'm leaving for Cambodia soon, and God is going to do amazing things (which I will write about later), but until then what do I do? I can't stand being unproductive. Jobless. Nothing I am trying to do is working out... something just tells me I should wait. As much as I want to fight it, I can't. God's going to do, what God's going to do. Maybe He is seeing if I'll be a good steward of my time while I'm sitting around. I'll tell ya, I haven't been (Thanks, Olympics).

I guess as cliche as it is.... it's all in His timing, and I just gotta rest on that promise.