invisibly yours.

to ponder what you are and who you will become is a common thread in your cloak.
trusting only in what i see with my limited understanding and perception,
my strenuous course of digging seems to remain defiant.
hitting dead end again, i slave in an aimless attempt at discovering depth.
do you even know?
the invisible self is only visible to himself,
but what good is he to those who want to see life?
you hover around haunting those who do not ask.
when was your presence ever requested?
hearing and not seeing is a treacherous divide.
show yourself.
come from those shadows.
leave your opaque seclusion and be defined in colors vibrant and bold.
you fear losing your looming effect and shedding the mystery of your secrets-
those so tightly locked up, pushed far back in that dungeon of darkness.
have you hidden them so far away that not even you, the very owner of such treasured insight,
has the navigation to its clarity?
it is i that fear your very presence.
never seeing, only hearing.
that voice....
somehow its eeriness intrigues my soul.
leading me towards you?
or away?
the closer i come to finding this alluring tone, the more deceived i am
only to be mislead again to a false sense of reality.
unveil yourself for the world to see.
if not for them, at least for me.
we mustn't fear each other any longer.

a midnight whisper to my father

My prayer is that in my life Your will would be done. Your perfect plan for my life would come to pass. Let my eyes be a light to others. Shine brightly through my life, and teach me to be more like You. When I whisper Your name, Jesus, come and be the God of my life. Let me do great things for your Kingdom. I want to make you so proud. I long to help others see how wonderful You truly are, but I can't do it until I see more of it. Keep showing me your beauty, your glory, your greatness. I yearn to see miracles. Real, crazy things we don't see every day. Prepare me, my heart, my mind, Father. It desires only You.

put your head through the clouds and find light.

written 05.06.2008

I think sometimes when you are receiving the most clarity from God it can instantly be squandered by a stupid decision. Funny how when we are living/striving to follow the will of God how one mistake can completely distort your train of thought. I'm not trying to cheapen grace or Christ's sacrifice for our forgiveness, but I know that although forgiveness of sin exists, it doesn't take away the cloud of confusion that is left lurking over you.

When clarity is what we seek, why do we attempt to find it in such flawed form? Answers in man can only lead to more darkened understanding, and yet we still lean towards it. Things can be great and within a blink of an eye, the answer yes, and the stupidity not to stand on your salvation and grounding, it can all become quickly tainted. We must long to give all of ourselves to Christ, all of our hearts and minds. We must embrace everything that pleases the Father. Despising the acts of the flesh, which are not of the spirit.

grab hold of Him and breathe deeply.

There are times where we will fear the very will of God. Times when our hesitancy smothers the very breath that gasps to breathe for the Father. It is in those moments of fear where our love for Christ must surpass the love of self.

To know His purpose and to allow ourselves to be overcome by the shallow emotion of self-doubt towards our destiny (and, in turn, permitting our selfishness for our own pleasure to drive us away from the very will of God for our lives) can only be a result of our weakened spirit being steered by the powers of darkness.

Our passion- stemming from a transformed heart that earnestly desires good and not evil- is strong enough to conquer the insecurities attempting to sway our envisioned dreams.

We must learn to dig deep within our hearts and find the love which is living and breathing for Christ, so that our spirit can make wise decisions, leading us to our purpose and suppressing the fear that strives to choke us of our destiny.

the ambiguity of love in its distorted state.

My heart is breaking. I can't sleep. I can't think clearly. I'm kept awake by the thought of children suffering around the world for whatever reason: hunger, sickness, prostitution, depression, forced military soldiers.

I'm reading about sex trafficking in Southeast Asia, where hundreds of thousands of little girls are being emotionally and physically scarred, bruised, battered and broken just so that people can make a buck. With tears in my eyes, my heart goes out for them. I wonder why I can't fix it. Why can't God just send me now? I want to help them. I want to rescue them. Save them from this torment.

I want to take the pain away. I want to bear it for them. I want to do something, anything so that they can see the love Christ has for them. I need the words to speak to these children who are broken. How do you reach someone who has only known man to be a self-righteous businessman that puts a dollar amount on a human life? What trust is left in them to believe that a man named Christ, whom they have never known, can show them what true love is. Have they even experienced love before?

The enemy comes against the act of love at any cost because it is so threatening. He keeps us from loving our neighbor because they've wronged us. He prevents us from loving our parents because they didn't raise us properly. He attacks children in such a way so that they can never even define love by man because they've only known him to be evil, and in turn distorts the ability for these children to comprehend and embrace the unconditional love of God.

Angry. I am angry at the enemy. I hate what he is doing to the innocent. To those that are hopeless, helpless and hurting. Help me pray that God would take my passion and desire to help these people and empower me to fully express the love of Jesus to it's fullest when I encounter a situation where love is lost.

written 06.10.2008

He had it. I want it.

As I was reading about Paul in Colossians today, something hit me like never before. Paul was the man. I mean, seriously, he was the freaking bomb. Make fun of my saying that all you want, but this guy got something right. A man who once murdered Christians and then became transformed because of a face to face experience with God the Father himself. He then took on the burden of the Father to preach the gospel. Rather than instantly being thrust into a profitable ministry, Paul endured a painful life of persecution.

The part that blows my mind is that he never once questioned God. He said that he would rather be sitting in the jail cell than for those he was writing to. What a selfless human being. Somehow, some way, the man was so drastically changed that he longed to endure more suffering so that he could spread the gospel even more. So positive. So right.

I wanna be just like him so I can make Jesus proud.... Taking joy in situations that just suck. Without Paul, we may not have a hope for endurance. Because of his heart for God, he never gave up. He never let go. How though? How could someone who hated Christianity become so grounded in what he knew? Something phenomenal happened in his life. Something I want. I don't know how it happened, how he got it, or how long it took, but I know I want it.

I want the endless joy in a life destined for failure. I need promised hope for the future in current broken situations. I want the faith to press forward while I sit on the cold floor of a jail cell hungry, cold and lonely. I want to see the mystery of God so that I can have wisdom and know the treasures in Heaven.

written 04.16.2008

move in the right direction

With graduation right around the corner, I realize that it's a time for new beginnings. A time to be refreshed. To move on to another part of my life. What I have begun to realize lately is that we fear to move forward into new beginnings. We fear the unknown, and we are terrified to let go of something without knowing what is ahead.

Both Christians and non-Christians are control freaks. We demand to have a hand in whatever it is we're doing, and if we don't, then we give up on it or we lose interest in it because it becomes out of our control. Selfish is what I call that.

God has been absolutely rocking my world with this idea of giving my life over to Him fully. He wants to have total control of my future, and it isn't scary to Him because He knows what is ahead. That's so unfair for Him to know without my own knowledge. But why are we so reluctant to give things over to His control? Why is it that we can't trust Him enough to do what's best for us?

In my life, I know there were certain things I was holding on to for a very long time, but after deep prayer and fasting, God revealed something so great to me. I had to let go of a part of my life that I thought was a good thing. That I thought to be destiny. It was only selfish desires and my flesh cravings.

Giving it up was my release from bondage I had been waiting for. It was the one thing that had held me down for so long. I just had to give it over to Him in order for Him to renew me and give me a new beginning. What a refreshing feeling. As scary as I thought it would be to face the unknown and let go of my own personal will and what I thought was "right" for my life, I am more excited now about God's plans because I know He has promised me great things better than what I could ever conceive in my own mind.

It's a relief to feel release in your life. The scariest thing in the whole world is to relinquish control of our future into someone else's hands. However, it could be the most propelling factor in our spiritual walk and a pivotal moment for our destiny. I encourage anyone who "thinks" they know where they are going to re-evaluate your life. Make sure your flesh isn't speaking louder than your spirit. Our heart is vain and deceiving. Listen to your spirit and let God lead you to new beginnings.

written 03.30.2008

let. us. be. violent. in. our. waiting.

It's occurred to me that waiting is a time of warfare. A time of perseverance. A time to kill, literally. To kill off your flesh, the enemy and all of his attacks coming against your life. When God tells you to wait for something- an answer- anything. When you don't know what to do in a situation, but you know you're supposed to wait, then I believe you are at one of the most vulnerable points in your life. The glorious thing about it is that it can also be the most spiritually rewarding.

Galatians 6:9 has become one of my new favorite verses. It says, "Let us not grow weary and faint in doing good, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap a harvest, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint or give up." What an amazing verse. We can't loosen our grip! Not even a little. It takes endurance to be a strong warrior.

Daniel 7:25 says that the enemy tries to "wear out" the saints of the Most High. We want to loosen our grip when we get tired. When we grow faint, we must fight against it. The words "wear out" in the Bible are translated to literally mean "to mentally afflict; wear down; to be spent, wasted." In this season of my life, when I am prayerfully seeking the Father with as much as I can give, I've never been more mentally afflicted. I take heart, because I know in due season I will reap the harvest.

I've learned that waiting isn't sitting around in mediocrity. It's binding myself to the Father so my grip will be as tight as a braid of three strands together. The enemy wants us to lose courage so that we will be casual in our prayers and not violent in action. Prayer is the most threatening weapon to our adversary. He wants us to get distracted, lose track of time, get too busy so that we can't pray. He wants us to lose focus on our mighty God. But lift your eyes to Heaven and lock your gaze on Jesus.

Sometimes we can get discouraged because we don't see results, we aren't getting answers, we aren't getting our instant coffee in a second from God. That, I believe, is a pivotal point in prayer. I believe it's when you want to give up that God is just about to unleash a powerful breakthrough on your life. He want to see you fight. He wants you to become strong. Getting immediate results wouldn't develop character. As cliche as it is, it takes time to build physical muscle. It's the same concept of being a spiritual warrior. Be consistent in your efforts and you will feel the strength rising up inside of you.

The Father has an APPOINTED SEASON for everything. We must earnestly seek His face, not giving up, so that His perfect timing can be displayed in our lives. When we take matters into our own hands, we give birth to premature life, develop late, or we murder the life God laid out for us. Don't miss it. Do not miss what God has in store for you because you lose heart, because you grow weary and give in, give out or give up. Be joyful in hope. Patient in affliction. Faithful in prayer. (Romans 12).

written 01.13.2008

Knowing a Living God

It's so weird that I haven't taken time to write another note. It's not that God hasn't been doing incredible things in my life, because He has, but it's just that I haven't taken the time for it.

This isn't going to be like my other ones. You know, where I get crazy deep sometimes. So much where you are thinking, "is she serious right now?" But... I'm just going to share a thought.

Something that has been pressing on my heart lately is just the lack of interest that people have in the Lord. I don't understand it. I know that I am NOTHING without Him. Yes, I've had to learn it through struggles beyond what most people can even imagine, but I've come to the understanding that if I have it all or have nothing I still need Him more than anything.

It breaks my heart to see those close to me, or even distant friendships, where they can't find a reason to live for God. Even worse than that... It shatters my spirit to see those that go to church, do the whole routine and don't really even bring up God in their daily conversations. They don't want to search for Him because He isn't real. I've always heard "I want relationship not religion" and that's just what people should desire. But how in the world do you make God real to people? How can you convince them that He is worth it?

I just know that my God was so real to people in the Bible that at His very word, they were ready to sacrifice their own daughters and sons, their own lives, their very own reputations (heaven forbid) for a God that was REAL. They believed in Him so much they were willing to risk anything and everything just because He asked.

So I pray that for those of you who haven't found the living God yet, desire Him more. We were created by Him, for Him. So please.... get to know Him.

written 1.9.2008

He calls me beautiful

Isn't it funny how girls just strive to be called beautiful by their boyfriends? Wives want to be beautiful forever for their husbands, and they want them to recognize them for it. It's self-assurance. It's love. It's an act of true love. When they see you as something that no one else does. You are truly beautiful to them.

We make ourselves pretty/handsome every day. We get up, take showers, try to look our best (most of us anyway), style our hair.... you know, all the things that give us this outward appearance of beauty in hopes that others might recognize it. The question is.... what do we do to make ourselves beautiful for Christ?

Who else would you want to call you beautiful more than the Lord? He is the giver of all givers. The definition of righteousness. What an amazing compliment to be received than from the Father himself?

Isaiah 61:3 says, "they may be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."

Righteousness means "honesty, integrity, liberation. Righteous conduct issuing from a new heart." I suppose especially in the context of Isaiah 61 it refers to the freed captive, which would be Christians walking in freedom. So, we are being called "oaks of righteousness". What a name to uphold. It's like when someone calls you something you feel you're not, so you must try extra hard to keep up the good work so that your name will continue to reflect that meaning.

The beautiful part about this scripture is that we are called to be a display of His splendor. Meaning, in Hebrew, "to bring honor, to glorify, to boast." How in the world can I be called such a thing? I, who am flawed beyond measure, can be used to bring honor to the Lord so much that he would boast of my beauty? What a wonderful thought.

So I pray... God, make me beautiful in your sight. I am trying so hard to reflect an honest, righteous life that I might be planted in your Word so that you too can look upon me and call me beautiful in a way no man can.

written 12.22.2007

another dream, another nightmare

i hate having bad dreams. no... i despise it. they were not created of God, nor did God ever intend for us to have them. some dreams can be seen as dreams of warning that make us feel uncomfortable, yet they are designed for us to take notice for the future. other dreams just make you feel horrible. they are haunting.

it's like the enemy knows just what to make you think late at night. in your head. like he's dancing a devil-dance all around me while i sleep because i'm too much of a battle for him when i'm awake.

so i pray, "God... take this... have this... help me to feel this way if i'm wrong... show me your will so i can follow it..." and it's like the day after i pray it, i'm struggling harder, my mind is tormented, and 'm having nightmares.

how can you determine between the two: God's voice of reason showing you his will and then the enemy's advances to stir fear in my life to blur my vision of truth? my normal response would be, "it's the peace factor in it all...when do you have peace and when don't you?"

i just feel like i don't know anything anymore. it's like i'm losing hope for my own will for my life. i trust God. really believe me when i say i do. but i have nothing to hope for except Him right now. it should be enough, but i'm struggling so much to believe there is a future past what i already know. i want my hope in him to be enough. it's my sin of unbelief that is my real nightmare.

friends, please pray for me. that God would help me be obedient. that he would show me truly what he desires for me and that i wouldn't be prone to my selfish desires. maybe what i have wanted isn't what he wants, and ultimately, what he wants is what i want. so God help me have your desires.

12.15.2007

If I could only write Him a love song....

It's amazing so much of what you learn if you just open your ears and eyes to the Father. I've been thinking about why I have to learn the same lesson over and over again. It stinks, really. You say, "God, I thought you taught me this times before.... why again?"

In searching for my answer, I have realized that the topic of the lesson I have been learning is all about my weakness. I distrust people.... a lot. For reasons which I won't discuss, there are many reasons why I shouldn't trust people nor do I want to. I always have reason to believe someone is doing something wrong, a man can never be faithful to me, and no one will ever love me enough to be committed. So, when my trust is broken, I constantly have to re-live my childhood of shattered dreams, lies, broken promises and shadows of doubt.

So, God keeps teaching me this lesson of trust. "Why?", I ask. "Why do I constantly have to be hurt by people I cannot trust?" It is because God wants to teach me that in my weakness his strength is perfect. What an amazing concept that has never fully clicked in my little tiny head. God wants me to realize that my weakness is futile and can never be mended by others. That even though I may not be able to trust others, I can trust Him. He is the epitome of trust. A loving father. Someone who is honest. Always cares. Always keeps me in mind and never wants to do anything that could possibly harm me or hurt me in any way. How many people honestly would do that for you? Your boyfriend/girlfriend husband/wife should, but unfortunately people just aren't that committed anymore.

It's just amazing. My Father wants to be able to fulfill everything that I as well as others lack. When I get married, there are going to be some things that my husband won't have that I probably dreamed of having. It's okay though. Because my God can fulfill where other people lack. That's God. He is everything. When we can't find what we're looking for. He waits. He's just sitting there waiting on us to look to Him so we can see He has anything and everything we need to feel fulfilled. What an incredible God. A man of my dreams.

If I could only write him a love song great enough to describe his majesty.....


written 12.11.2007

Changing your generation to reflect the spirit of Christ

In one way or another there is something that we can each pick out about our own family that we view in a negative light. We are taught that we should not dwell on the past, and that we should move forward in everything we do. Philippians 3:13-14 says that we should forget what is behind and press towards the goal. Many people take this scripture out of context, basically using it to describe how we shouldn’t look back on the past but focus on what lies ahead of us. What we shouldn’t forget is that we can learn from the past.

Our past is what has brought us to where we are today. Our parent’s mistakes, our grandparent’s biological make-up and spiritual devoutness or lack there of, our historical background of our family that could explain “why we are the way we are.” We should take a look back at our family heritage: Our generational curses and blessings. God has been dealing with me about my generational curses that have plagued my family for years. I have grown up in it, and I have begun to attribute certain characteristics of my family that I never wanted. Looking back at your past, you can learn what needs to change about you and how you can become less like your curses and more like Christ.

Don’t take this the wrong way. I think that we should respect our past. We should take into consideration everything that has gone before us, the good and the bad. When we see our blessings that our families have inherited, we should take advantage of them. We should pray that God continues to show us how to use them faithfully, not taking advantage of it in any way but using it to advance His Kingdom. When we see our curses, however, we should not curse our parents for what they have raised us in, but otherwise grow more towards God and break the chains of bondage that could be upon our lives because of the curse.

God has called us to be free in Him. He doesn’t want to keep you in chains, in any way. He wants you to enjoy the freedom He freely gave by dying upon the cross for your sin. Christ probably cringes when He looks down and sees you taking less than what you deserve. It’s like someone offering you a million dollars and you only take $200,000. He wants only the best for our lives, and in order to see what is best, we must acknowledge His supreme existence and begin to take on His nature rather than our flesh. This may require stripping of old skin we don’t want anymore. It may be painful. It may take a long time. However, it will rid us of ourselves and create a new beautiful design, more beautiful than we could ever imagine.

A lot of our generational curses we don’t even recognize. That is just what the enemy wants us to do—not recognize that we have a problem. Sometimes we find ourselves saying “well, that’s how I was raised and I have too much respect for myself and my family to take less than this.” Or we might say something like, “This is just my nature.” We might even say things like, “My parents always taught me to….” Or “My dad is the same way, and I’m just like him.”
What’s the problem with all of this? Your parents way isn’t always the right way.

We each bear our own burden of sin. You can’t blame your parents for the way you are. We must take responsibility for our actions individually, especially if you are an adult, discerning if it is the nature of our forefathers or our Heavenly Father. Ezekiel 18:14-17 says, “Suppose this son has a son who sees all the sins his father commits, and though he sees them, he does not do such things… He will not die for his father’s sin; he will surely live.” We must understand that some things are things we see and make a point not to do because we have seen how it has negatively affected our families. Other times, we are blinded because the enemy tells us that “it’s just the way we are” when it’s not who we are called to be.

In studying this, the Lord spoke to me and said, “Kristen, this is a pride issue. Those who refuse to change their personalities because of pride also refuse my spirit. They believe that their way is right because their fathers have done it, but my way is higher.” There is probably one thing each of us does because we feel that it was a trait passed down to us through our genes. It doesn’t make it right, just because your parents have done it. We must take responsibility to evaluate every part of our life, including the places we don’t even think about.

As Christians, our actions must reflect the spirit of Christ. If pride has crept into your life because of generational curses or heritage, pray that God would restore you to His fullness. He wants to start a new lineage with you, throwing out the old habits that have become unrecognizably wrong, and placing a new heart and spirit into your life-- One which mirrors His character. Would you rather look in a mirror and see your father/mother or look in the mirror and see Christ?

As cliché as it sounds…Remember that you are the future. You will have children of your own one day, and although we cannot be perfect, we can strive to make sure we are as close to perfect as we can be through Christ’s redemption and spirit. We want to be able to pass down more blessings than curses to our children. So, I encourage you to start evaluating every aspect of your life right now. Pray that God would reveal the traits within you that need fine-tuning, transformation, or extracting. Pray that you would be accepting of the things that He shows you, even those things we are so prideful of. It takes humility to admit a mistake, and boldness to take the step to make it right.

Become the new line for your family… the one which starts a new generation of children hungry for God. Your actions will one day spill over into the lives of your children and your children’s children and so on. Be the solid foundation of good fruit and a Godly spirit for your family.

written 11.21.2007

Pebbles on the Path

Have you ever been on the right road to somewhere, and you know you're on the right road but you're not sure where it's taking you exactly or when you're going to be at the end? It's frustrating.

It's amazing how much we can trust God, knowing He is doing incredible things in our lives, but then we get anxious about the outcome. Wondering...."when is this coming?" "is this REALLY the right way?" "but this person is going that way, so should I go that way too?" We begin to question our direction. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (NLT)

Don't worry about anything. Easier said than done.... It's hard not to worry about the direction that we're going in when we can't see the end of the road. You just have to trust your map is leading you the right way. In our case, God. We have to hope that He, being the guide, is leading us the right way.

So, when we begin to worry... what do we do? Pray. Tell Christ what we need. If you need to stop thinking about something, ask God to clear your mind. If you need peace, pray for it. It says that the peace of God will come over you in a way you don't even understand. It probably won't even feel right. You may feel wrong for feeling so peaceful about such a situation, but that's the magnificence of God. His way is unfathomable in our human minds. It's beyond anything we can comprehend, and His provision will always be right.

His peace guards our hearts and our minds. Our hearts, which can be deceiving, must be guarded at all times in order to protect from the arrows the enemy throws at us. Our shields, the shields of faith, protect our hearts from the arrows. So we must first have faith, believing God will take care of us, and then He will be able to guard our hearts from the enemy.

Our minds are also guarded. The mind, one of the biggest outlets that the enemy uses to get to us, must always be guarded in order to prevent internal destruction. It's frightening how much we can blow things out of proportion just by listening to the thoughts in our heads. Our minds lie to us constantly. They are not of the spirit, but solely from the flesh. We must learn to pray over our minds each day so that they may be guarded at all times. Not only do we have to pray over our minds, but we have to make a conscious effort not to allow our minds to wander. If you know that you shouldn't do something that could possibly cause your mind to wander, but you do it anyway, you are letting down your guard that the Lord has established over your thoughts. We give God total control over our lives, but because of free will, we each have the freedom to choose what we do. Giving us the freedom to choose to let down the guard God placed over us. Lets not let down our guard. Our mind will tempt us with thoughts that could give birth to sin. We each know what we should and shouldn't be thinking about, so take every thought captive as it comes.

We misuse the weapons that God gives us to use against the enemy. It's disappointing. When we feel peace in our hearts and minds, the enemy tempts us to do things that we shouldn't, and if we give in... we're back to square one. Starting over... We also give ourselves over to sin and doubt by allowing the devil to put other persons and things in our lives that shouldn't be there. We think that it's God's timing that they are in it, but in reality, it's the enemy trying to make you stumble even harder. We must use wisdom and keep our eyes focused on the goal that God gave us when we chose to give our lives to Him.

If you decided to get out of a relationship to focus on Christ, you shouldn't be flirting with so and so and hanging out with another person of the opposite sex. You should be focusing on HIM. Seeking HIS face. You gave up something in order to focus on Him, not to find something new to replace it. If you gave up a bad habit, you shouldn't be putting yourself in the situation where you could pick it up again. If you gave up a struggle, and claimed freedom over your life, you should avoid the appearance of evil at all costs in order to keep your focus on the Father and His will. When you find a substitute for something you sacrificed, your sacrifice means nothing to God anymore. You have replaced Him with an idol, and broken the promise to Him that you would seek His face first. If Abraham had chosen to use an animal in place of his son, Isaac, to sacrifice to God, God would have been disgusted with Abraham. When we sacrifice something to God and promise to give Him our full attention, He expects it all. Not just half. He doesn't want us to go find something to replace what we sacrificed. He wants the sacrifice so that you hurt, so that in your brokenness He can rebuild and restore you.

It's the small pebble in the road to righteousness that causes us to hurt so bad... that causes the trip to seem longer... that causes more pain, anguish and discomfort. Keep walking in shoes of peace by keeping your eyes on the Father, and do not be distracted by the things of the world that are appealing to the flesh.

We MUST learn to discern the voice of God. If He says, "go" then go. If he says, "stop" then stop. If you are earnestly seeking the face of the Lord, he will set a clear path before your feet. It will not be hazy. It will not be unsettling. It will not harbor doubt, confusion, discomfort, or sin. If you get yourself into a situation where you find yourself sinning, it's probably not God's will. It is the will of your flesh. There are times when God makes your path clear, and we fight it. We begin to allow the enemy to formulate doubt and confusion in our lives. We must be so in tune with the Father that His voice speaks louder than all. Sometimes we feel doubt in a right situation, but we must go forth in FAITH because we feel it's the will of God. Eventually, the doubt will subside once we pray for God's peace. Then, if it's His will, He will give us the peace in our hearts and minds.

So, do not be anxious about anything, but pray for what you need. Giving thanks in every situation. Seek Him. He will give you peace. Do not substitute for your sacrifice to make the road easier. It's hard because He wants it to be hard so that all you have is Him. Let Him show you what He can do when you allow yourself to only look through His eyes.

written 11.20.2007

Dear Faith....teach me.

I have had this odd misconception that faith is the same as trust, however, it's not. Strangely enough, they do go hand in hand, along with hope, but they are not the same.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1 (NLT). I believe that faith is the foundation of everything we believe in. It is how we justify our trust in the Father. We say things like "well, my 'faith' is Christianity." We're saying, "my foundation of belief is in Christ." Have you ever thought about that? No, it's nothing profound, but sometimes we get caught up in Christianese so much that we don't realize what we're saying. When we say our faith is Christianity, we're saying "hey, this is what I'm grounded in. This is WHO and WHAT I believe in even though I can't see it. It's the reason I live, the drive for my beliefs, the basis of my decisions and choices, etc."

I find myself being caught in a place where I have to constantly remind myself of the Faith I have in Jesus. Not in who He is. Not in what He's done. But my faith believing He keeps His promises. He promises that He will "never leave us or forsake us." Even when we feel abandoned, He is always there with open arms. His love is everlasting, unending, forever, infinite.

So we take these giant leaps of "FAITH" "HOPING" that we will make it to the other side safely when we cannot see because through it we learn to "TRUST" God. I find it interesting that these things are not part of the fruits of the spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. Where is faith, hope and trust? I don't know why they aren't there, but it's something I'm looking into. Maybe it is because it's an action...something that requires you to put personal effort into. It's not something that you can inherit from your genes, from your "sweet little grandmother who was the most patient person on Earth." It's things that you must work to grasp the concept of. You can't practice having "goodness" but you must practice having "faith."

So, as I was reading, in Hebrews 11 it gives all these examples of acts of faith that people in the Old Testament did. It's amazing. Some of these things, people are being humiliated or in some way being emotionally hurt. Abraham sacrificing his own son, Noah looking like a fool prophesying the flood was coming, Moses rejecting the life of royalty for a life of oppression, Joshua marching around a wall....a WALL.... for seven days. I could go on.

You see that God tests our faith. He says, "do this." But we don't. He says, "Go." But we won't. In the end of all these stories, God came through with His promises because the people had faith in God that His will was perfect. That in the end, He would keep His promise. Not a specific promise like, "I'm gonna save your son Isaac, but just take him to the mountaintop just to see if you'll do it." It's the promise that "God works for the good of those who love Him,"--- those type of promises.

It says in verse 35 that by faith "Women received their loved ones back again from death, while others were tortured, refusing to be set free." Faith is part of our freedom in Christ. We must allow the faith to flow freely in our lives so that we can trust the Father in everything that we do and everything HE does. So have faith in who He is. Have faith in His great works. Believe His promises are true. In turn, you will learn to have Hope for the future, which gives you a positive outlook on life and you will be able to Trust the Lord with your whole life, not hiding anything from Him.

written 11.18.2007

Don't Forget Me, God.

In this time in my life where everything seems to have come to a screeching halt, a sharp turn and a dead end, I have to put my trust in the Lord. Cliche's... I hate them. Unfortunately, that has become one of the most popular of the Christian world today. It's so true though. God is the authority over all of our lives. The creator of the Universe. Author of our stories with the pen in hand just waiting for us to let Him write another chapter.

Why is it necessary to have such hurtful chapters? Just when you think everything is perfect, your life is all planned out, promises are made then BAM! Everything is wrong. Your life is in shambles with NO direction and promises are broken. Who do we have left? God. Who do we lean on? Christ. Who can we talk to? The Holy Spirit. It is in these times of chaos when we look to him for strength. When we recognize that he's "got the whole world in his hands" and especially our individual lives, we begin to sustain a "perfect" peace inside of us. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to reach it yet. I know what it feels like. I just can't get it. There is an unsettling spirit inside of me that won't let go.

I want the perfect peace so bad. I want to have clarity and direction. Reason and understanding. It's like I had perfect peace and it was stolen from me. I had unfailing, indescribable love. It was broken. I had confidence in God's plan for my life and now I doubt. But how can I doubt and trust at the same time? It is contradictory. So, I suppose that is why I don't have peace. Because doubt = no peace.

In the midst of all this, I keep thinking, "God, please don't forget me! Little ole me! Remember? You promised me all this was right. I took a chance. I followed your will and your direction! Why did you lead me astray? I can't sit here all day God...... I can't be here forever, Lord. Please don't forget me. Please." I do feel forgotten though. A lonely warrior in a battle of 1 v. 100,000 with no one on my side. Gideon felt the same. His army was taken from him, leaving him with just a few hundred men, but he had to persevere. In the end he won. That's what I keep telling myself. I'm gonna win! I just have to have faith. Can I have a little Lord? Could you spare a few seeds? That's all it takes. Just one.

Isaiah 48 says, " I am the LORD your God who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." So this must be my seed. My one small grain that says, "You win." So God... take my life and do what is best for me. What is best for the people most important to me. Show me the way I should go. Direct me the way I should follow you. If you could leave me footprints in the sand to step in, that would be wonderful. Just don't let me fall.

Give me perfect peace and strength. Wisdom and clarity. Discernment. Faith. Keep me from the lies of the enemy and the temptations of evil that could distract me from you. Let me not lean on things of the flesh to find satisfaction. Let me use spiritual weapons in this battle. Give me a heart of fervent prayer. A passion for your name. Guard my mind from the enemy who torments me every day. And God........ please don't forget me.

written 11.9.2007

Believing Christ as He Prepares the Way

Have you ever thought about your unbelief? Probably not. You know he is the way to salvation. The only way that we inherit the kingdom. Believing in him is the only way to be cleansed of your sins of unrighteousness and be renewed by the sacrifice of his blood. Believing IN Him is not the problem we face. It's believing his word.

We always say, "There is a reason for everything we go through." And it's easy for us to say these words until we are facing a problem ourselves, and when someone tries to tell us so, we are overcome with unbelief. Why is that? Because we can recommend a remedy to someone during their trial but we tend to forget our words in the midst of our own spiritual illness. So, I have been dealing with the idea of belief in the words of God. In the words of Beth Moore, "We can believe in Christ but fail to stand firm in belief and choose to find him trustworthy day to day."

If we cannot trust our God, we cannot obtain the freedom that God has destined for us to have. We must believe that his freedom requires us to sacrifice things sometimes that we would normally not. We must believe that our struggles and trials are somehow refining us into better human beings. Because we are so fallen, we must have Christ constantly teaching us the things that are keeping us from our full potential in Him. Sometimes it is taking away things for a while. Sometimes it is taking the things closest to you from you for a time so that you can only rely on Him. He will teach you to be more disciplined so that when it is given back, you will be stable and firm in Christ and more prepared to handle it. It is our trust in God that keeps our foundation in Christ so solid.

Anyone can doubt. Anyone can have unbelief. But a Christian takes the trials and proves them to be learning experiences. The trials are used for us to have time with Him so that we might grow in deeper relationship with Him to increase our strength, knowledge, and spiritual maturity. If we cannot believe that our pain reflects God's lessons and believe He is teaching us something through it, then we cannot grow.

I was reading in John and it says, "If I have told you earthly things and you do not believe, how can you believe if I tell you heavenly things?" I was thinking to myself, "Oh God, I want to believe you so much. Just so that you can show me the heavenly things." If we can't believe in what God is doing here on earth through our lives, then he can't possible show us the amazing things he has for our future. He cannot give us visions. He cannot show the extraordinary to us.

So, I encourage you to believe God. Believe that sometimes the things he does are temporary, sometimes they are permanent, but He is always preparing the way for his people so that they might go forward in Him. Always remember though, that he knows the desires of your heart. Be accepting to His will, but He does know you and cares for you.

Psalm 139:1-3 says, "Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways."

written 11.10.2007

Why, God, Why? Or... What?

We ask this question all the time. Why does this happen? Why me? Why right now? I am learning that although this question remains constant in every Christian's life, we must ask a more important question: God, what are you trying to show me?

In Isaiah 38, King Hezekiah was a faithful king, but he became very ill. God healed him, restored his health completely and gave him 15 years of life after his healing. Hezekiah became comfortable in his healing, in his gift of a miracle and became prideful. His pride led to his destruction when he allowed the Babylonians to see all the treasures of the kingdom. His guard was down. He thought he was something special for God to heal him, so he became flippant in his ways rather than more cautious.

I say all this to simply say that every person, even the godly, have issues that they need to constantly keep in check. Sometimes, we feel that we are doing the will of God, but we are the farthest thing from it. We say we love God, but when we neglect his word and turn to man for our direction and guidance. We are not loving God by doing this. It is the things that we don't even realize we are doing that get us into trouble. We conform to the ways of our culture. "This is this way. That is that way." "This is normal.......why isn't this happening in my life?" We begin to fall into a nature of conformity based on what our culture is telling us and criticize our lives on our fear of our life not being "normal."

Since when was normal part of God's plan? I don't believe he ever said that in his word. In fact, I believe he said that we would be a "peculiar people" which is the farthest thing from normal.

Back to my point.... when bad things happen, God is always trying to show you something through it. He tests your faith, your perseverance, your attitude, your prayer life, your earnestness in seeking his face, your hope, your love and your integrity. He tests ALL waters with you to see what you will do. Will you give into temptation or will you stray far away from what you know is not holy and pure? The things that don't please God.

In a time when your world is falling apart at the seams, you want to give up. You want to find other things to distract you from your problems, your issues, the reason that you're losing things in your life. You don't want to seek God, you just want to avoid the situation hoping it will resolve itself. Giving up is not an attitude to have. Giving in to the godless things of this world is also not the way for holiness and wisdom. God says that you must "offer your bodies as living sacrifices" so that THEN you will be able to see what his good pleasing and PERFECT will is for your life. When you are subjecting yourself to the things of the world and not seeking God's will and clarity for your life and decisions, you are deliberately disobeying the Father. Praying for God's direction is unacceptable when you are not pursuing holiness. When you are not sacrificing things that you know are wrong.

So, in a time when you want to ask the question "why?", ask God the question "what do you want me to do?" "what do you want me to learn from this?" Pray his discernment. God gave you a heart that feels so that it will lead you. He didn't create the feelings of the heart to lead you astray, they have just been corrupted by the enemy. If you are seeking Godly wisdom and guidance, you will be pure of heart and your heart will be able to guide you to what is right for your life.... in God's will.

written 11.5.2007

revive my sheltered heart

Sitting, waiting, wondering. Has my heart stopped beating?
Faster, Faster. I beat my chest. I breathe deeply... and sigh.
All feelings that were once a rushing flood have now dried up and gone away.
Never did I ask for this lifeless, apathetic heart!
Too afraid of breaking, so it stopped but will it ever start?
Just to feel it skip again. Just to feel it shudder.
I'd rather have it love carelessly than be sheltered from the world.
There is no choice, no decision. A mind of its own, not mine.
You cannot force a heart to love. to feel. to know it's alive.
So revive my heart, Jesus. Passion was yours.


written 4.10.2007