another dream, another nightmare

i hate having bad dreams. no... i despise it. they were not created of God, nor did God ever intend for us to have them. some dreams can be seen as dreams of warning that make us feel uncomfortable, yet they are designed for us to take notice for the future. other dreams just make you feel horrible. they are haunting.

it's like the enemy knows just what to make you think late at night. in your head. like he's dancing a devil-dance all around me while i sleep because i'm too much of a battle for him when i'm awake.

so i pray, "God... take this... have this... help me to feel this way if i'm wrong... show me your will so i can follow it..." and it's like the day after i pray it, i'm struggling harder, my mind is tormented, and 'm having nightmares.

how can you determine between the two: God's voice of reason showing you his will and then the enemy's advances to stir fear in my life to blur my vision of truth? my normal response would be, "it's the peace factor in it all...when do you have peace and when don't you?"

i just feel like i don't know anything anymore. it's like i'm losing hope for my own will for my life. i trust God. really believe me when i say i do. but i have nothing to hope for except Him right now. it should be enough, but i'm struggling so much to believe there is a future past what i already know. i want my hope in him to be enough. it's my sin of unbelief that is my real nightmare.

friends, please pray for me. that God would help me be obedient. that he would show me truly what he desires for me and that i wouldn't be prone to my selfish desires. maybe what i have wanted isn't what he wants, and ultimately, what he wants is what i want. so God help me have your desires.

12.15.2007