In this time in my life where everything seems to have come to a screeching halt, a sharp turn and a dead end, I have to put my trust in the Lord. Cliche's... I hate them. Unfortunately, that has become one of the most popular of the Christian world today. It's so true though. God is the authority over all of our lives. The creator of the Universe. Author of our stories with the pen in hand just waiting for us to let Him write another chapter.
Why is it necessary to have such hurtful chapters? Just when you think everything is perfect, your life is all planned out, promises are made then BAM! Everything is wrong. Your life is in shambles with NO direction and promises are broken. Who do we have left? God. Who do we lean on? Christ. Who can we talk to? The Holy Spirit. It is in these times of chaos when we look to him for strength. When we recognize that he's "got the whole world in his hands" and especially our individual lives, we begin to sustain a "perfect" peace inside of us. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to reach it yet. I know what it feels like. I just can't get it. There is an unsettling spirit inside of me that won't let go.
I want the perfect peace so bad. I want to have clarity and direction. Reason and understanding. It's like I had perfect peace and it was stolen from me. I had unfailing, indescribable love. It was broken. I had confidence in God's plan for my life and now I doubt. But how can I doubt and trust at the same time? It is contradictory. So, I suppose that is why I don't have peace. Because doubt = no peace.
In the midst of all this, I keep thinking, "God, please don't forget me! Little ole me! Remember? You promised me all this was right. I took a chance. I followed your will and your direction! Why did you lead me astray? I can't sit here all day God...... I can't be here forever, Lord. Please don't forget me. Please." I do feel forgotten though. A lonely warrior in a battle of 1 v. 100,000 with no one on my side. Gideon felt the same. His army was taken from him, leaving him with just a few hundred men, but he had to persevere. In the end he won. That's what I keep telling myself. I'm gonna win! I just have to have faith. Can I have a little Lord? Could you spare a few seeds? That's all it takes. Just one.
Isaiah 48 says, " I am the LORD your God who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." So this must be my seed. My one small grain that says, "You win." So God... take my life and do what is best for me. What is best for the people most important to me. Show me the way I should go. Direct me the way I should follow you. If you could leave me footprints in the sand to step in, that would be wonderful. Just don't let me fall.
Give me perfect peace and strength. Wisdom and clarity. Discernment. Faith. Keep me from the lies of the enemy and the temptations of evil that could distract me from you. Let me not lean on things of the flesh to find satisfaction. Let me use spiritual weapons in this battle. Give me a heart of fervent prayer. A passion for your name. Guard my mind from the enemy who torments me every day. And God........ please don't forget me.
written 11.9.2007
Why is it necessary to have such hurtful chapters? Just when you think everything is perfect, your life is all planned out, promises are made then BAM! Everything is wrong. Your life is in shambles with NO direction and promises are broken. Who do we have left? God. Who do we lean on? Christ. Who can we talk to? The Holy Spirit. It is in these times of chaos when we look to him for strength. When we recognize that he's "got the whole world in his hands" and especially our individual lives, we begin to sustain a "perfect" peace inside of us. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to reach it yet. I know what it feels like. I just can't get it. There is an unsettling spirit inside of me that won't let go.
I want the perfect peace so bad. I want to have clarity and direction. Reason and understanding. It's like I had perfect peace and it was stolen from me. I had unfailing, indescribable love. It was broken. I had confidence in God's plan for my life and now I doubt. But how can I doubt and trust at the same time? It is contradictory. So, I suppose that is why I don't have peace. Because doubt = no peace.
In the midst of all this, I keep thinking, "God, please don't forget me! Little ole me! Remember? You promised me all this was right. I took a chance. I followed your will and your direction! Why did you lead me astray? I can't sit here all day God...... I can't be here forever, Lord. Please don't forget me. Please." I do feel forgotten though. A lonely warrior in a battle of 1 v. 100,000 with no one on my side. Gideon felt the same. His army was taken from him, leaving him with just a few hundred men, but he had to persevere. In the end he won. That's what I keep telling myself. I'm gonna win! I just have to have faith. Can I have a little Lord? Could you spare a few seeds? That's all it takes. Just one.
Isaiah 48 says, " I am the LORD your God who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." So this must be my seed. My one small grain that says, "You win." So God... take my life and do what is best for me. What is best for the people most important to me. Show me the way I should go. Direct me the way I should follow you. If you could leave me footprints in the sand to step in, that would be wonderful. Just don't let me fall.
Give me perfect peace and strength. Wisdom and clarity. Discernment. Faith. Keep me from the lies of the enemy and the temptations of evil that could distract me from you. Let me not lean on things of the flesh to find satisfaction. Let me use spiritual weapons in this battle. Give me a heart of fervent prayer. A passion for your name. Guard my mind from the enemy who torments me every day. And God........ please don't forget me.
written 11.9.2007
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