My sneakers don't fit like they should

It's probably too late to be writing this post, for I'm likely to make many errors due to my delirious state, nevertheless, I feel like writing so here goes it.

I'm going to be uber transparent with everyone right now. I believe vulnerability is key to building relationships, so I'm choosing tonight to be open. I have been feeling so unprepared and inadequate. I just sat with a friend today over coffee and struggled to fight the tears just to tell him that I was feeling so unprepared for my calling.

I'm so grateful that God has asked me to go to Cambodia for a season, and I am excited about the work for him that will be placed before me. I expect it to stretch me, push me, feed me, inspire me, etc. My biggest concern is my own preparation. I just want to help the Cambodians. To serve them, to show them Jesus and His love, to be the messenger of hope.

I told my friend that I didn't have the words to speak. That I felt that my words held no weight. Everything I say, I mean, but it's as if I just can't say it right. Have you ever said something and then someone else says the exact same thing and they get a totally different reaction, way better than the reaction you received from people? Yeah. Feels pretty crappy, huh? That's how I feel most of the time.

I'm not sharing this for the pity party game. I'm opening myself up to let people know that I'm real. I have these issues right now. My heart just aches for God to put words in my mouth so that I can help other people see Jesus. If it were my words, I would screw things up, but his are eloquent even in their brokenness. They are filled with life. They weigh of freedom. There is a fullness in the words of Father that satisfy the innermost hunger of the soul.

My friend read I Corinthians 1 & 2 to me out of the Message. Starting with verse 17....

"God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what he has done, collecting a following for him. And he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own, lest the powerful action at the center—Christ on the Cross.....

(ch. 2) ....I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else."

This isn't some fancy quote that someone composed one night under a still candle with a feather pen, this is God's truth. Paul was afraid. Just like me. But it was God's power, God's spirit, that empowered him. One of the best parts of this scripture is "your life of faith is a response to God's power."

I have no idea what anybody else is going through right now, but if you can relate, I hope that this scripture uplifts your spirit as it did mine. I'm going to continue preparing, but know that God's power is the root of effective ministry. All we need is faith to believe He will do a good work in and through us.

Thank you, Jesus, for your power. May it humbly fall from our lips and may our tongues utter words that belong to you. Let us not possess recognition at all, but only be seen as the messengers of hope.

In Romans 10, there is a verse that says "How beautiful are the feet of those that preach the gospel." I think I'm trying to get my shoes to fit perfectly, when I should probably be going barefoot.

The secret of living

"We exist in order to enjoy making much of Him....... Christ is glorious so that rich or poor, sick or sound, we might be satisfied in Him." - John Piper

This quote just really spoke to me. So many times we really play the "why me?" game. We're so prideful to believe that as Christians, we deserve some type of elevated life above the unsaved. It's not about us. It's about Him.

Whether or not we have or do not, it's the hope we have in His name and who He is that sustains us. In making much of Him.

I have to remind myself that it is not I who deserves a profit of my salvation, but it is in the sacrifice of atonement that I can celebrate in His glory. That no matter the circumstances of my life, I try to recognize my Father as my real Father and I am grateful.

Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-13 "Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

The secret of living. That...that is beautiful.

Frequency Change

Today I am content. I am freezing like an ice cube upstairs in the office, but I'm content.

As I was sitting here listening to a Francis Chan sermon from last week (check him out at www.cornerstonechurch.com), he was talking about being so enamored by his relationship with Jesus. He wasn't bragging by any means, but just saying how in love he was with God. I started questioning if that was me.

I know recently I have felt closer to God than ever before. I'm not studying my Bible more, I'm not currently reading books on religion (although I probably should), and I'm not going to both the early and late service on Sunday mornings. Heck, I didn't even go this morning. I think it's my mindset. I have really been trying to set my mind on Him in all that I do. In the ways I think. Do my thoughts provide a representation of what He would want me to think on? It's been really hard. I've been convicted about a few things... such as the way I view myself, for instance. We'll leave that blog for another day, though. But, everything is different.

For once in my life, I don't need all the extras to make me happy.

I love my friends. I really really do. I love to give hugs, to smile at people, to show them that I love them. But I don't need them. I really don't want this to come out the wrong way. I've just redirected my dependency on something that is eternal and unfailing.

If you've read my blog before, you know I have major consistency issues. No, I'm not talking like cottage cheese or buttermilk (both of which I loathe), but I'm speaking more about my interpersonal relationships with others. If you're not consistent = you don't love me/you don't care. Bottom line. No getting out of it. Must reconcile immediately to earn back my trust. I know, it sounds absurd, but it's a conditioned struggle thanks to my childhood. I just realized though, that there will be nothing....NOTHING that can fully satisfy me like God can. He's the only consistent person I'll ever have in my life. So, kind of like changing frequencies, I changed my dependency to God and it became clear.

My friendship with him has become real. Alive.

I began wondering how I came to this revelation. I pondered for a while, and roughly stumbled around to find the light of the answer. And like a beacon (play singing "aaaahhhh" music, please), I got my answer:

He gave me purpose. I have purpose right now by him, in him and through him. No one else can give me that. It just took me a while to fully embrace the purpose, but once I got it, I changed. I'm okay with being alone. I'm okay with my thoughts (for the most part). I'm learning to control my mind in the silence so that it doesn't linger on the failings of futile humanity.

Find your purpose in Him. He has one. It will bring content to your soul. Peace to your mind. Love to your heart.

"Ask and it will be given to you.
Seek and you will find.
Knock and the door will be opened."

The grass danced.

I just took a look at my feeds, and it seems that I currently have 42 posts. With about 10 weeks to go in the year, that means I averaged writing once a week. Once. A Week. That's just not acceptable. Surely I have more inspiration than that, but I've begun to accept the terrible truth that my life may just not be that exciting right now......

Psyche.

God is doing too many good things for my life not to be exploding with excitement! He's showing up in the oddest places, in the most unexpected ways and realigning my life to His. I do have something to write about. God is a good God. My dad once told me that no matter what happens, no matter how much I question God, to always remember that He is good. It may seem like a cheap piece of advice to you, but for some reason I've always referred back to it. It's like one of those truths that's ingrained in your brain and you could never forget it even if you tried.

He, the grand creator of all things in Heaven and Earth, reveals new things to us every day, but we must make time to listen. Notice I said make time to listen. The demands of life are trying for most people now, and if they're not, then people are busying themselves to boost their egos in order to convince themselves that they embody significance to the world. We must make time to listen to God. I believe that even sitting in solitude in your car, stuck in a traffic jam on I-75, the still voice of God can speak amidst the chaos.

I was doing a walk/run (I hate running, so I integrate jogging into my walks occasionally to make myself feel better) the other day, and my stomach started aching. I was elsewhere in my mind, thinking of how bad I wanted God to show me something new in the redundant circle of cement that I walk several times a week, but I stopped and sat down to ease the pain. As I was breathing heavily to catch my breath and get oxygen to the cramp (I think it works...I probably made that up completely), I watched the wind blow the grass. The grass danced.

I'm not sure if it was the waltz, the samba, the tango or the cha cha slide, but it danced. And God said, "Why do I have to cause you pain to make you sit and listen? I make the grass dance for you, but you miss it because you won't be still."

Surely this is something you've heard before, but for some reason we have to be reminded of it, just as I was. So I remind you to sit and listen. In the quiet, in the chaos, just listen. He will show you something, but whether it's good, bad, sad, full of joy and life or despair and doubt, remember that He is still good.

Be nice to everybody....

So lets just talk a minute. God is so good. I mean, SO good.

Romans 8:28, a well-known verse, says "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Yesterday, I told a friend, "I'd rather have nothing and have God provide everything than have everything and never see the hand of Jehovah Jireh work in my life." I don't think I expected this statement to become so real to me so soon. I prayed that I would see miracles and answered prayers in my everyday life. I expected this to take place once I got to Cambodia, not here...

So, I woke up today, bright and early at 8 a.m. thanks to the jet lag causing me to have no sense of time and absolutely no consistency in my sleeping/waking schedule. I went about my day as usual, and at 2:44 p.m. I get a phone call. It was from a local company here in town asking me to come talk to someone. I had no idea what this was about. I thought it was about missions of some sort, and I agreed to come in at 3:30. I rushed to get a shower and put myself together, seeing as I was in my sweaty workout clothes from walking the Greenway this morning, which by the way was perfect weather for walking. Anyway, I made it there right on the nose at 3:30. *whew*

I go in the office, meet this nice man that lives across the street from me, and he is sitting there with my resume in front of him and says he's talked to people that have spoken with people within the company that have met me/employed me (via internship) and everyone has been impressed. I'm thinking, "Uhm... okay, I didn't put in an application in this department. I have never talked to you before. And you've done research on me? Woah." Anyhoo, in the first five minutes, he says he knew I wanted to do missions and said he had part-time work available if I wanted it until I left for my big move in December. What??? I mean, I needed a job, but I hadn't applied anywhere since I've been back. I hadn't even been back a week, and God already lined it up for me.

So how did this happen, you wonder? Well, this man talked to my sweet Grandaddy that sits on the front porch and walks the neighborhood most days when he's feeling up to it. My grandaddy told him that I had applied for another position at the same company, but didn't get it because they were looking for more long term work. He told him that I was going into missions, but never said anything about a job with him. Apparently, God worked through my grandfather and the man felt compelled to offer me a part-time position. I mean, how good is God? He provided and gave me a miracle. When I had nothing. The day after I prayed. Seriously, that's pretty cool.

And so when I told my grandparents the news, the words of wisdom I received from my grandaddy while he was painfully laying in his bed struggling to nap this afternoon: "Be nice to everybody because you never know who you're gonna meet."

Somehow, God just keeps providing and affirming that I'm on the right track. Dear Lord, keep me there. Focused straight ahead. Keep paving that road.

Stretch out your arms and follow me.

It's hard to express what my eyes have seen since my trip to Cambodia. There are many vivid images that are going to remain in my mind for years to come, but it's because of these images that I'm becoming more of who God created me to be.

I knew I was called to missions earlier this year. Imagine, going 4 years of college and not knowing what exactly you wanted to do, and all of the sudden it's clear as day and you're drenched with confirmation. If you haven't been there yet, don't worry, it will come if you're seeking His will. It happened when I least expected it. Anyway, I don't take this trip to Cambodia lightly at all. For those of you that don't already know this (as if I'm writing to thousands), I went to Cambodia with the intentions of deciding on whether to return or not. I was instructed that I couldn't make a decision to return until I had seen it with my own eyes (although I initially wanted to move there without experiencing it first). Good advice, I'll say, but I was, as expected, drawn to the place. More drawn to the people than I thought I ever would be. My passion for people and especially children only expanded exponentially. Needless to say, I'll be returning. I will be leaving December 29, and plan to stay at least 6 months or until God releases me to go serve elsewhere. Right now, I'm just going to raise money in order to go back. A quote that I'll always remember hearing is, "If God has called you, He has also called the resources."

So, I'm writing this blog for a two-fold purpose. One, so that my grand audience can know my future plans. And Two, so that I can encourage everyone to seek the perfect will of God. I read a scripture today in John 21. It says (starting verse 18), "I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go.” Jesus said this to let the future disciple know by what kind of death he would glorify God. Then Jesus told him, 'Follow me.' " This can be interpreted many ways, but in that moment that I read it, I took it as if God were saying "Stretch out your arms and follow me. Let me lead you. Let me clothe you. Leave the ways of your youth. Trust me to take you to the places of discomfort where you do not want to go, but where I want you to go so that you will glorify my Kingdom." It's this type of surrender that Jesus wants from us. To submit to Him with open arms and willingly accept the path that He has laid out for us to take.

I know that going to Cambodia is the first part of this wonderful, amazing calling that God has so graciously appointed for me. Why He chose me, I don't know because I don't feel deserving. But looking back on my life, everything makes perfect sense. My thinking, my feelings, my actions, my nature....it's all very purposeful for what I have been designed to do.

I pray that you will stretch out your hands to the Father and let him clothe you in garments of righteousness and faith. That you will desire holiness and trust Him to take you where He wills, and not where our young hearts selfishly stray away.

Abounding with Him

I realize that I want to be one of those people that inspires others because God's character radiates from my life and contracts a disease of spiritual affection to Christ. I want it to emit from the very pores of my flesh. Let love and joy be genuinely evident in my life, so much like a powerful, gushing waterfall- neverending and limitless. Although the source of the flow is unseen, we know it is massive and beyond our imagination. I pray that God would show Himself to me so much that I would recognize the hand of the eternal father in everything. I am ready to get out of this slump of dead lifeless carousel of repetition and step into a pool of purpose that will never cease to bring glory to Him. I want real joy and love. Genuine. Contagious. Joy and Love. I pray that it would grow deep in me and be rooted in Christ- evident to all, not for my recognition but so others might be drawn to the gift of salvation and share with me as an heir to the Kingdom. May harmony be produced through the true love of Jesus.

A Christian.

You ever heard the saying, "You learn something new every daÿ"? Well, I learn something new every hour. I've learned 5 Khmer phrases, been to the Killing Fields, Toun Sleng prison museum, the Russian Market, 2 malls, seen a guy with a barf bag on the plane stand right in front of me throwing up, smelled the odor of poverty, seen desperation at its worst, encountered more amputees than I've ever seen in my life and felt more of a desire and passion to be in this place than any other place before.

God has been showing me so much here. Thank you for all your prayers. They are being heard. When I went to the killing fields today, I initially knew what they were, but never imagined to be impacted as much as I did. I've never contemplated my stance on war more in my entire life. For those of you that don't know, there was a massive genocide in Cambodia in the 70s that took place killing over 3 million people. Most of the soldiers were teenagers, literally fighting for their lives so that they wouldn't be put to death. Today, I walked on the very grounds where MILLIONS were executed unjustly. I stood beneath a plexi-glass case that stands 50 feet high, full of skulls that belong to the innocent victims. I was overwhelmed with several emotions: GREAT sadness. Confusion. Anger. Unforgiveness. This was a genocide of the same extent if not worse than Germany's, yet so few people are aware. Why didn't we get involved and stop this civil uproar? Is there a way to be involved without killing innocent people? Can we honestly let millions die with a clear conscience? I don't have the answer.... I'm still searching. But I want to believe so bad that Jesus would want it to stop.

They said earlier that one of the men leading the Khmer Rouge that started the war is now a Christian. A Christian. A CHRISTIAN. Man, if that doesn't explain the grace of God I don't know what does. Thank you, Lord for letting him see the Christ of peace and love. A soul so dark has now been enlightened. I don't understand it, but that's why God is so much bigger than you and me.

We have much more to see. I have much more to learn. I wish I could share it all here, but time is short. I'm keeping a journal while I'm here and I'll be sure to transfer many journals here once I get back to the states. I love everyone that reads my little blog.