My sneakers don't fit like they should

It's probably too late to be writing this post, for I'm likely to make many errors due to my delirious state, nevertheless, I feel like writing so here goes it.

I'm going to be uber transparent with everyone right now. I believe vulnerability is key to building relationships, so I'm choosing tonight to be open. I have been feeling so unprepared and inadequate. I just sat with a friend today over coffee and struggled to fight the tears just to tell him that I was feeling so unprepared for my calling.

I'm so grateful that God has asked me to go to Cambodia for a season, and I am excited about the work for him that will be placed before me. I expect it to stretch me, push me, feed me, inspire me, etc. My biggest concern is my own preparation. I just want to help the Cambodians. To serve them, to show them Jesus and His love, to be the messenger of hope.

I told my friend that I didn't have the words to speak. That I felt that my words held no weight. Everything I say, I mean, but it's as if I just can't say it right. Have you ever said something and then someone else says the exact same thing and they get a totally different reaction, way better than the reaction you received from people? Yeah. Feels pretty crappy, huh? That's how I feel most of the time.

I'm not sharing this for the pity party game. I'm opening myself up to let people know that I'm real. I have these issues right now. My heart just aches for God to put words in my mouth so that I can help other people see Jesus. If it were my words, I would screw things up, but his are eloquent even in their brokenness. They are filled with life. They weigh of freedom. There is a fullness in the words of Father that satisfy the innermost hunger of the soul.

My friend read I Corinthians 1 & 2 to me out of the Message. Starting with verse 17....

"God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what he has done, collecting a following for him. And he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own, lest the powerful action at the center—Christ on the Cross.....

(ch. 2) ....I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else."

This isn't some fancy quote that someone composed one night under a still candle with a feather pen, this is God's truth. Paul was afraid. Just like me. But it was God's power, God's spirit, that empowered him. One of the best parts of this scripture is "your life of faith is a response to God's power."

I have no idea what anybody else is going through right now, but if you can relate, I hope that this scripture uplifts your spirit as it did mine. I'm going to continue preparing, but know that God's power is the root of effective ministry. All we need is faith to believe He will do a good work in and through us.

Thank you, Jesus, for your power. May it humbly fall from our lips and may our tongues utter words that belong to you. Let us not possess recognition at all, but only be seen as the messengers of hope.

In Romans 10, there is a verse that says "How beautiful are the feet of those that preach the gospel." I think I'm trying to get my shoes to fit perfectly, when I should probably be going barefoot.